I AM So Sick Of This Shit

That's right. Fucking sick and tired of this shit. What shit am I talking about? Just everything. I am sick of walking around feeling like shit. Being tired all the time. Sleeping more than half my day away and taking naps. Not having any energy to even do the dishes. Not wanting to take a shower, but feeing the need, and it turning into a fucking pep talk from myself to do it. Gaining weight. The struggles I am facing because I have gained weight due to the steroids. Everything feeling like it weighs twice what it does and just being that much harder to lift. Be uncomfortable sitting, standing or laying down. Looking around the house knowing shit needs to get done and I just can't do it. Like seriously WTF???

I am ready to say fuck this shit. I don't want to do chemo anymore. It is just physically and mentally fucking draining and I have had enough. I am more than half way through it. Tomorrow will be my 11th treatment, and I will only have 5 left after that, but fully knowing that starting with treatment 13, things will get worse. How much fucking worse can things get? 

I know, I know I really have it better than a lot of other women, and I should be grateful, and I really have been to this point. But it's just that every day gets harder and harder and I'm over it. I don't like relying on other people to do things for me. I just don't and that's how I've always been. I am appreciative for everyone around and all they've done. I really am. I feel like I am not as self sufficient as I once was, and that's true. I am just not the same. I am looking forward to getting back to who I used to be, doing what I used to do, and it being easy. 

Most days I feel like a sumo wrestler. Christ, is this really how they walk around? Like I am waddling and every single THING is a struggle. OMG, I can't even imagine feeling like this for months, or even years on end. No fucking way. That, and then how I see myself in the mirror as a result of the sumo wrestler look. Fuck me. No way. I have never been one who likes to work out, exercise, go to the gym, or any kind of "healthy" activity, for the most part. Things are going to change. I can't wait until I get some energy. I am going to burn it in a positive way and get back to feeling like I did before all this started.

For now, I am going to suck this bullshit up and deal with it. God forbid I eat a pea, I won't need to eat for another fucking week.........

Another Minute. Another Hour. Another Day.

Another week has passed. Another week of being sore, hurting and just being uncomfortable. OMG. Fuck this shit for real. It gets worse as time goes on. I have three of these treatments to go and I am ready for this one to just be over with already. I am just over it.

This past week, Thursday - Saturday were my bad days. Better than last week, seeing as I was only hurting 3/7 days this week. It still sucks, but that means I should have Sunday - Wednesday this week, maybe. If I am lucky. I have my heavy dose, and new cycle starting tomorrow. No telling what that may bring.

As I sit here and bitch about what is going wrong and how I am feeling, I have done a lot of reading in general in other breast cancer groups, and in reality, I think I am one of the lucky ones. I read what some of these women go through, things I have never experienced, thank god. This shit is real. The side effects are very real.  I should be relieved that mine are minimal in comparison. Three more Taxol treatments to go, then on to my next chemo treatment which I am told by the nurses will be worse. Ugh. No thank you?

I am tired of being tired. I sleep 12+ hours a night, then nap nearly every day. My body is just tired. My mind is tired. I AM JUST TIRED. Let's look at the glass half full. I have 3 more of these treatments to go, then 4-5 of the next chemo treatments to go, so in reality, I am more than half way done with chemo. Yahoo! But it isn't over then. I still have my double mastectomy, radiation, and the rest of my hysterectomy to go.........and don't forget about the reconstructive surgery. All those things will take time to heal from too. So more down time, more naps and likely more sleeping.

Perhaps I shouldn't be in a hurry to retire............or maybe I should. When I am healed, recovered and past this breast cancer. Assuming Covid is a thing of the past, I can then travel. 😚