Things I Didn't Know Until I Knew

How many things did I think I didn't know until I knew them in this journey? All of them. That's how many. And that's a lot. I still learn new things every day, experiences different things, and as a result, sometimes my course of action changes along with those.

Here's what I didn't know until I found out on my own:

1. After all my hair fell out (with the exception of those few that were mighty and determined that stayed), I didn't know I would fall into the "unknown or unsure" gender category. I am serious. I was out in public many times, and felt people staring at me. It was awkward. Despite wearing a dress or skirt, wearing jewelry, and wearing sandals (that only girls would wear), I still got looks and was pointed at many times over. I am not being paranoid. The biggest tell from most people was when I went into a public bathroom. I got the look "is that the right bathroom for you?" Wow. People are fucking ignorant.

2. Chemo treatment is not pleasant, nice or forgiving. It's that simple. What I didn't know is that this would throw me into menopause (in a way) and with this would come some severe hot flashes. Hot flashes like my fucking body feels like it is practically on fire. Let me go run outside nude, and dive in the snow (which we don't have here). Since I started back with Keytruda, these hot flashes have fired back up (pun intended).  This past week, the weather suddenly changed and it got cold, quick. Cold for Texas anyways. The last 2 nights, it dipped down in the 20's overnight. Over the past week, I have been sleeping with my bedroom windows open all the way. One may think that's crazy. Not only that, but the ceiling fan is running full force as well as the stand fan on the floor, and I am sleeping nude. Can you believe I am still hot? Like WTF?!? And my blanket situation is minimal to non existent. It is just fucking ridiculous.

3. Did you know your skin changes because of chemo? Fucking chemo changes everything. Your skin "thins out" so to speak. I don't mean my skin is falling off or see through or anything that just sounds fucking stupid. Sex is very uncomfortable. A bit painful. It sucks basically. I didn't know I should expect that. Chemo just sucks the joy out of anywhere and everywhere it can.

4. No offense to my readers, but people are fucking stupid, ignorant and oblivious. With that being said, you dont know what you don't know, like all of these things I am talking about. This goes for everyone else too, however, I feel like if you cannot speak intelligently on a subject, don't say anything. Save yourself from looking like a complete moron. So the comments I have gotten more times than I can count and the one that irritates me the most (since I've had my double mastectomy) is "well at least you are almost done now". The fuck I am. That statement couldn't be farther from the truth. What a kick in the gut for you to assume I am almost done. That was part 2, out of what feels like 435 parts. Realistically not that many, but I am not even 50% of the way through all this bullshit. So when you are making dinner and it's only half done, well it's almost done, right? No, no it fucking isn't, you idiot. Would you eat your chicken cooked at 50%? No, not unless you want a side of salmonella with that shit.

5. I have hair, although it is short, it's still there. Yahoo! No more questioning my gender. At least I think that part is over. I haven't noticed any more stares so that's great. What I didn't know about having short hair (because I have never had hair this short), was that my head would get cold. Consider this; I lost my hair completely on March 30th, and by that time here in Texas, it is summer like weather. I went through the blazing hot summer with my head sweating. Then, in the last week, the temperatures have dropped so much, and we are having true winter like temps. I find myself putting on some kind of hat, chemo cap, head scarf, something, because my head gets chilly. (Funny because my body being on fire, you think that would go to my head.........lol).

6. What I didn't know that I feel causes me the most concern is the lack of being able to just bounce back, sleep it off and just overall feel "normal". I still have restrictions. Not restrictions where my doctor tells me not to do this or that, but my body letting me know I am pushing it, or shouldn't be trying to do what I am doing. The nerve disruptions I am experiencing due to my surgery and my nerves being cut and having to wait for them to "wake up". How my nerves feel as they are waking up and how that impacts my movements. I just keep waiting, and things are getting better, but jesus christ, it is so SLOW. So fucking slow. With these things being said, it makes me wonder why people electively have plastic surgery? Like why would you fucking torture yourself like that? Nope, no thanks, not for me. 

I wonder what else I don't know, to a point, but guess what? I am going to find out.