Where Has The Time Gone?

I just realized I have been in this whole thing for over a year! Wow, time really has flown. Minutes turn into hours that turn into days, weeks and months, oh so quickly. More quickly than I realized, until now. So here a look at where I've been and how far I've come.

• 12.18.2021 - Annual mammogram appointment
• 01.11.2022 - Ultrasound on right breast as a result of my mammogram
• 01.25.2022 - Biopsy on right breast after ultrasound
• 01.26.2022 - Received official breast cancer diagnosis
• 02.01.2022 - Met with my breast surgeon, Dr. Anglin for the first time
• 02.10.2022 - MRI on my breast to determine exact size of tumor
• 02.16.2022 - Met with Dr. Anglin; recommended a double mastectomy after she received the results of my genetic screening which showed I have the BRCA1 gene
• 02.21.2022 - Appointment with my first plastic surgeon, Dr. Nguyen, and first photoshoot to capture me, as is, before all my changes that are to come
• 02.22.2022 - Had MediPort surgically implanted just under my left collar bone (this is used to infuse my chemo drugs)
• 02.25.2022 - Met with second plastic surgeon (nope, not going with this guy!!)
• 03.01.2022 - Chemo teach class at oncology center & CT scan
• 03.06.2022 - Another photoshoot, just before chemo starts
• 03.07.2022 - My first chemo treatment, and my bestie by my side for support 😌
• 06.02.2022 - Met with OBGYN oncologist to discuss my hysterectomy, which will come after my reconstructive surgery
• 08.08.2022 - The last of my weekly chemo infusions, thankfully. I rang the bell!!
• 08.15.2022 - Pre-op appointment with Dr. Nguyen, my plastic surgeon, as I prepared for my upcoming double mastectomy surgery
• 09.07.2022 - Pre-op appointment with Dr. Anglin, my breast surgeon, as I prepared for my upcoming double mastectomy surgery
• 09.23.2022 - Double mastectomy surgery, and it went very well, again, having my bestie at my side 😌
• 09.29.2022 - I received the call I was hoping for, my cancer is gone!!! 💖💖
• 10.03.2022 - Post-op appointment with Dr. Nguyen, my plastic surgeon. Everything looked great! No more surgical bra needed (I had been wearing it since the day of surgery), and no more bras, period. 💞
• 10.05.2022 -Post-op appointment with Dr. Anglin, my breast surgeon. Looking good!
• 10.07.2022 - Met with my oncologist, Dr. Taboada; although pathology was great, he recommended another 9 rounds of Keytruda
• 10.17.2022 - Drains are out, FINALLY! I hated those mother fuckers
• 10.21.2022 - Started back on chemo (Keytruda), 1 of 9 rounds down
• 12.01.2022 - Started physical therapy due to the side effects from my chemo treatments
• 01.03.2023 - Lymphedema check at Dr. Anglin's office
• 01.26.2023 - One year since I received my cancer diagnosis, as I am here, in remission. Also, Thor's 12th birthday! The OG doggy!

Damn, a little over a year in review, and although every single chemo infusion and physical therapy appointment isn't listed, I sure have been busy, and will continue to be busy. 

Thor, lounging like he loves to do. And yes, he needs a haircut; but he is cold blooded, so I will wait for it to get a bit warmer before I make him cute for all the ladies again!

What's New In This New Year?

What's new? And what's not? Oh so much!

Chemo is still going, which is great. White blood cells are really good, and way sooner than anticipated, so even better. Physical therapy is still a thing, and that is going so so so well! I am really on the mend. My hair is still growing, and like a weed I may add. It's now 2" long! Wow! It's fucking out of control actually. It just does what it wants when it wants, and I just go with it. Why fight it? Lol. I don't care. Some days it's so comical, and I don't care what anyone thinks.

What else? As if I don't have enough shit to deal with just with treatment alone, because that in itself is just a beast, I got laid off from work last week. Like fucking great. I was back for three weeks only for them to say Bye Felicia. WTF? So I can handle this one of two ways. Dwell on it and let it drag me down (which by now you all know that is NEVER going to happen), or look at it that it's for the best, and this allows me now not to be stressed with work on top of everything else, and just focus on myself and my treatment. Getting stronger and preparing for what's ahead. I'll take the latter. 

Anything else you wonder? Hmmm, yes. This neuropathy thing is getting fucking ridiculous. Like seriously ridiculous. My right hand only still, which is my dominant hand, has it all going on. Pinky, nothing, no neuropathy, however, the rest of my fingers, including my thumb, has gotten worse. Jesus. I spoke with my oncologist about it because I thought it had everything to do with my chemo treatments. Nope, I was wrong. He said the chemo meds I am on do not cause neuropathy. Surprise. Wow. I was not expecting to hear that. He suggested I see a hand doctor, and so I will be doing that. Tomorrow actually. Let's see what they have to say. It's suspected that it could be carpel tunnel, but I am not gong to sit here and play this guessing game. I will leave it to the experts.

Has 2023 started off with a bang? Yes, kind of, and not in all the banging kind of ways I wish it was, but, it is what it is. I know I could have it better as some do, but in reality, I know I could have it so much worse than I do, as others do. I am grateful for what I have, and as much as I have a can do attitude and I am going to kick cancer's ass attitude, I know I am lucky, and therefore I am thankful. 

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year! Welcoming 2023 and hoping it is a much better year for me, and all of us, if 2022 was a shit show for anyone other than myself.

So how did 2023 start? With things, many things. The first being I finally started back to work, 6am on New Years Day. Happy fucking new year. It is what it is. It is nice to have a sense of normalcy that way. I mean I am 2.5 days in, so I am not about to try and jump for joy. Not yet. Those first few days of starting back and getting into the swing of things, including waking up at 530am (for those of you who know me well, you know I am NOT a morning person, so fuck me with getting up when it's dark outside), were mentally and physically exhausting. That's a good thing so far though.

What else? Still doing physical therapy three times a week, and getting stronger every time. I still have my struggles but I feel like I am really making a ton of progress and couldn't be happier with that. I know where I still have weakness, and I am working on strengthening my entire body so I can get back to where I was. The little bit of exercise I am doing to get stronger really makes me wish I could get in the gym and hit it hard. Really build my muscles back up, but I need to be realistic, of course.

My hair.......holy shit. It is now growing like a weed! I think it's around 2" long now. Fucking awesome, right? Yes, and no, because I am starting that awkward stage now. You know where you have wings everywhere, you totally have bed head every morning, and the rest of the day you hair just does what it wants. I literally dont give a fuck. Sometimes when I get out of the shower, I towel dry it and let it dry however it wants. Yesterday, that meant it looked like I stuck my finger in an outlet. LOL. I am sure when I was out and about, people noticed. Ha. Who cares. My physical therapist said she liked the look and noticed immediately. I would have looked like a junior Albert Einstein if my hair was white. I'll take it.

So I have noticed something......and I don't know what to think exactly. I am unsure. I haven't shaved under my arms in a long, long time. I did a few times because my hair grew back and now, nothing again. Seems so strange. I am not complaining, oh no, because fuck shaving. I like that I don't have any hair under my arms again. My leg hair has gotten sparse again too. Even better. I'm going to hold out hoping that after the next time I shave my legs, it's the last. If only I cold get so lucky! It may or may not have anything to do with my current chemo treatment. Honestly I don't give enough fucks to look into it or research it. These are just my observations right now.

In my shittier world, I have developed neuropathy. I thought I coasted past this months ago when I was on the Red Devil chemo. That's when it is likely to appear. I experienced that differently than most (based on what I have read and in talking with others who have it), and I thought it was long gone and way behind me. Wrong. Fuck me. I am right handed. Where am I experiencing my neuropathy? My right thumb, index, middle and ring fingertips. Like go fucking figure. Could it have been on my left hand? No, of course not. Why make my life any easier? It's weird. I constantly have a tingling feeling on those fingertips I mentioned, and it never goes away. Sometimes it gets worse. Sometimes from the tips of my fingers to the second knuckle down, my fingers are all numb. It keep me on my toes, lol, because I have to be focused on the things I touch, pick up, move, etc., to make sure I have a firm grip. It's weirder than most things day to day.

Lots of positives, one annoyance. Not a horrible start to 2023. Let's hope things are going to continue to get better every day!

Hair everywhere!!! 

The What's What Of Wrapping Up 2022

As 2022 is drawing to a close, here's what's going on now, hoping for a better 2023. Not only for me, but everyone because this year, quit frankly, has just sucked a big, hairy dick.

I am still doing physical therapy three times per week. It has been so helpful in the short amount of time I have been attending; I really cannot believe it! I've never done PT ever, so maybe I thought it would take a lot longer to see the results, like when you go to the gym, but apparently I was wrong, which has been great. I have a whole regiment of at home exercises to do too, including self massage of my right arm due to lymphedema. It's all precautionary and maintenance, so I don't get it. Cause ya, fuck that. No thank you.

What else is new? I had another dose of chemo yesterday. Went well as normal. I got the results of the CAT scan I did last week, from my shoulders to my pelvis, all clear! Hooray, such great news. Honestly it is exactly what my doctor and I both expected, but hey, you never know. I mean shit, I was doing my annual mammogram when my breast cancer was found. Who would have ever thought? But here I am living this fucked up journey.

How have I been feeling? Fucking tired. All the time. Ugh, back to this shit again. I have been taking naps here and there, but not every day. I am just worn out. The days I get 12-13 hours of sleep, those are the days I wake up and feel like I have the energy to actually get shit done around the house. But as you can guess, I don't get 12-13 hours of sleep every night. Bummer. I think going to PT three times a week then chemo, I am just out and about more than I have been since before this all started and it's just wearing me down. I haven't even started back to work yet (another story for another time), and when I do, I am guessing I will just be that much more exhausted. I am looking forward to it and not, all at the same time. I don't want to be any more exhausted than I already am, but I want my life to have that sense of normalcy. Ya, that would be great. (Thanks Mr. Lumbergh).

In other news, I got fitted for compression garments. Like WTF are these? I almost feel like I am not old enough to know what the fuck these are, but guess what? I do now. My PT recommends I wear them all day, every day. They will help with potential and noticeable swelling. I got fitted for my right arm (where the lymphedema is likely to occur), and then for both legs because my ankles have been swelling randomly?!? I dont even know WTF is up with that. So I wore them the day I got them, then took a day off, then wore them. They are uncomfortable. Allegedly it gets easier as time goes on, and maybe I'll get used to them, but I would rather just not have to wear them at all!

My hair continues to grow. I was FaceTiming with my son today, and he said, wow, your hair is all over. Fact. Ya. I said it's a bit out of control now that it's growing, it just does it's own thing. And my head is still cold at times.........I am waiting for my hair to get longer so this is a thing of the past. I don't mind wearing a beanie or hat or whatever, but I think it's just extra when I do that when I go to bed 😒

So out the door with 2022, and like my new hoodie says..............

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Yes, for every two steps forward, there are times I feel like I take yet another step back. I know this is an uphill battle, but damn. Sometimes I think I am glad I'm 45, still young enough I can do this and have the energy and strength to fight this battle [for the most part]; other times I feel old, like my body is worn down and it makes me wonder if I can really do this.

I have finally started physical therapy. Yippee! It took so long to coordinate that shit. Ya, no rush, take your sweet ass time. My legs feel like marshmallows all the time, but that's cool. No, it's fucking not. The lack of giving any fucks these days to do the job people get paid to do is astonishing. Anyways, physical therapy is going great. Yesterday I really felt the burn. Wow. But on the flip side, my muscles are not sore today. I wasn't sure what I should be expecting. At the end of the day with physical therapy, I just want it to be beneficial to me and get me back to where I was so my body doesn't feel as weak.

I did another round of chemo this past Friday and met with my oncologist. He is happy with where my levels are. Woohoo! I did ask him about doing a full body scan to check and make sure there isn't cancer anywhere else. He agreed and ordered this. That should be scheduled soon. He also mentioned there is nothing in my blood work anywhere that indicates I may have cancer anywhere else but he understands for my peace of mind and making sure. Great! I am really glad he takes the time to listen and understand where I am at in all of this. Chemo itself was easy. One poke in my port, and the fluids were going. I have been paying more attention to the time after; the following several days after chemo because I am trying to pinpoint any side effects. I am certainly more tired, just like when I initially started chemo treatments. That is very noticeable to me. I want to sleep for way longer than I think I should, and most days, I just sleep as much as my body requires, but this will not last. Between chemo treatments, I am doing PT three times a week right now, so I feel like I am constantly on the go. I should have been back to work already, but I guess they still can't "fit me in", so I am still waiting. Once I go back to work though, have PT and chemo, christ, it's going to be overwhelming I suspect. But one thing at a time. I don't want to put the cart before the horse.

So my hair is growing back. Not super fast or anything like that, but damn, it's coming in thick!! Nice. Yesterday I got up and showered before PT. Towel dried it when I got out and it was sticking up everywhere. I decided to leave it. LOL. I know it's going into the awkward stage, so it may look funky a lot. It is what it is. It's nice to have hair again!

Hair everywhere and I don't care. Then there's my mad scientist eyebrows........lol.

Things I Didn't Know Until I Knew

How many things did I think I didn't know until I knew them in this journey? All of them. That's how many. And that's a lot. I still learn new things every day, experiences different things, and as a result, sometimes my course of action changes along with those.

Here's what I didn't know until I found out on my own:

1. After all my hair fell out (with the exception of those few that were mighty and determined that stayed), I didn't know I would fall into the "unknown or unsure" gender category. I am serious. I was out in public many times, and felt people staring at me. It was awkward. Despite wearing a dress or skirt, wearing jewelry, and wearing sandals (that only girls would wear), I still got looks and was pointed at many times over. I am not being paranoid. The biggest tell from most people was when I went into a public bathroom. I got the look "is that the right bathroom for you?" Wow. People are fucking ignorant.

2. Chemo treatment is not pleasant, nice or forgiving. It's that simple. What I didn't know is that this would throw me into menopause (in a way) and with this would come some severe hot flashes. Hot flashes like my fucking body feels like it is practically on fire. Let me go run outside nude, and dive in the snow (which we don't have here). Since I started back with Keytruda, these hot flashes have fired back up (pun intended).  This past week, the weather suddenly changed and it got cold, quick. Cold for Texas anyways. The last 2 nights, it dipped down in the 20's overnight. Over the past week, I have been sleeping with my bedroom windows open all the way. One may think that's crazy. Not only that, but the ceiling fan is running full force as well as the stand fan on the floor, and I am sleeping nude. Can you believe I am still hot? Like WTF?!? And my blanket situation is minimal to non existent. It is just fucking ridiculous.

3. Did you know your skin changes because of chemo? Fucking chemo changes everything. Your skin "thins out" so to speak. I don't mean my skin is falling off or see through or anything that just sounds fucking stupid. Sex is very uncomfortable. A bit painful. It sucks basically. I didn't know I should expect that. Chemo just sucks the joy out of anywhere and everywhere it can.

4. No offense to my readers, but people are fucking stupid, ignorant and oblivious. With that being said, you dont know what you don't know, like all of these things I am talking about. This goes for everyone else too, however, I feel like if you cannot speak intelligently on a subject, don't say anything. Save yourself from looking like a complete moron. So the comments I have gotten more times than I can count and the one that irritates me the most (since I've had my double mastectomy) is "well at least you are almost done now". The fuck I am. That statement couldn't be farther from the truth. What a kick in the gut for you to assume I am almost done. That was part 2, out of what feels like 435 parts. Realistically not that many, but I am not even 50% of the way through all this bullshit. So when you are making dinner and it's only half done, well it's almost done, right? No, no it fucking isn't, you idiot. Would you eat your chicken cooked at 50%? No, not unless you want a side of salmonella with that shit.

5. I have hair, although it is short, it's still there. Yahoo! No more questioning my gender. At least I think that part is over. I haven't noticed any more stares so that's great. What I didn't know about having short hair (because I have never had hair this short), was that my head would get cold. Consider this; I lost my hair completely on March 30th, and by that time here in Texas, it is summer like weather. I went through the blazing hot summer with my head sweating. Then, in the last week, the temperatures have dropped so much, and we are having true winter like temps. I find myself putting on some kind of hat, chemo cap, head scarf, something, because my head gets chilly. (Funny because my body being on fire, you think that would go to my head.........lol).

6. What I didn't know that I feel causes me the most concern is the lack of being able to just bounce back, sleep it off and just overall feel "normal". I still have restrictions. Not restrictions where my doctor tells me not to do this or that, but my body letting me know I am pushing it, or shouldn't be trying to do what I am doing. The nerve disruptions I am experiencing due to my surgery and my nerves being cut and having to wait for them to "wake up". How my nerves feel as they are waking up and how that impacts my movements. I just keep waiting, and things are getting better, but jesus christ, it is so SLOW. So fucking slow. With these things being said, it makes me wonder why people electively have plastic surgery? Like why would you fucking torture yourself like that? Nope, no thanks, not for me. 

I wonder what else I don't know, to a point, but guess what? I am going to find out.

Let's Get Physical

Let's get physical, I want to get physical. Do you hear that song now? I do. But perhaps the statement in itself has you thinking something dirty? Maybe I can finally have sex or want to? No, that is not what I am talking about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWz9VN40nCA

I went for my second dose of Keytruda yesterday. Met with my oncologist. It was good to see him because I had some concerns as I have mentioned previously. He asked how I am feeling and I told him I was tired and have not been sleeping too well. I also told him I suspected I haven't been sleeping well because of my mastectomy. H didn't agree or disagree. I then told him about my muscle weakness. He said this isn't unusual and I may not have felt it before because the steroids counteracted that. Ok, I can buy that. But now, not having steroids, may be exactly why I am feeling it. Alright. He did not hesitate to mention that physical therapy is an option. I immediately jumped on board with that. Whatever I can do to help myself is exactly what I am going to do. He recommends three times per week.

I am going from being laid up and relaxed most of the time to a super busy woman. Not only am I getting ready to go back to work finally, but then I will have my infusions and physical therapy. Yikes! In reality, it's all for the greater good, so let's do it!

The Floor Is Lava

Do you know the game? The floor is lava? I played it when I was a kid with my brother. Who would have thought I may be playing again as an adult, but in a different aspect. Let me elaborate.

I am not one to read the side effects of any prescriptions I take. I just feel like if I did, I would have them all, or at least many of them. This also has carried with me with these chemo meds. The ones I was taking before, and the one I am taking now.

I have been more tired than usual. I didn't really think much about it. I am having a hard time getting comfortable, I am suppose to be sleeping on my back, etc. These things just make for a poor nights sleep, thus leading me to believe that's why I am tired. Makes sense. I just left it at that and went on with my days.

About a week and a half ago or so, I noticed when I got up, whether it be from the couch, chair, out of the car, or wherever I was sitting, that my legs are really weak. Strange. I have never experienced anything like this other than when I work them too hard or participated in an activity I wasn't used to. This is not the case right now, because I cannot function like I used to, especially with still healing from surgery. So what gives? I didn't know, but put more thought into it, because every time I get up, I walk like a little old lady, walking slow and clearly visible that my legs are weak. 

This gets me to thinking on more than one level. What if whatever is going on with my legs is permanent? I cannot have weak legs like this for the rest of my life. That would be horrible. Then I think it's just part of me healing because I am resting more trying to recover, therefore not using my leg muscles as much as I usually do, and maybe my muscles just need more activity. I don't know what it is, but I am also not trying to consume myself with overthinking this either.

So this is what I decided to do. I looked up "Are weakened muscles a side effect of Keytruda?" The answer? Yes. Weak and/or painful muscles is a common side effect. So I think I have my answer and what is causing this. Good or no? I don't know.

Here's my next thought. I will be taking Keytruda (which I just learned is also a chemo drug; this baffled me because I already went through chemo, but did take Keytruda then too) through April 2023. Holy shit. That means I have another 6 months of this shit. Christ that's a long fucking time, especially if I have this side effect. I am going to talk to my doctor and see if there is something I can do to counteract this. Exercising seems to be the logical thought on this, however, as I have been going through this journey, what would seem to be the most common sense answer isn't always the case, and really almost never is. Perhaps walking, taking walks that is, is the answer. 

I feel like having weak legs, weak muscles in my legs or whatever is going on, I would think I may have to "rehab" them later, to build back my strength. I suppose with this, time will tell.

Just when you think you know what's in front of you and what is coming next, this battle says, ya, sit the fuck down, you don't know shit; and this, the floor is like lava for me. At this point, I would melt.

Here's Some Random Misc Shit For Your Reading Pleasure

Random Shit? Yes, that is what this is all going to be about. Shit I am currently going through, have gone through and may face in the future. Things I likely didn't think to jot down along during my journey, so here goes.....

Shaving. I finally had to shave under my arms this week. What a bummer. I have shaved my legs a few times over the past few weeks. That's an even bigger bummer. I can assure everyone, I did NOT miss shaving at all, but now all my hair is growing back. Some is for the good, and some is just a nuisance. The hair on my head has been growing back for almost 4 months. It is growing so slow. But let's look at the upside of this. Not only is the hair on my had growing back, but it is growing back a dirty blond. I don't think I expected that given my age, but hell ya! I'll take that over gray (even though those fuckers, the few I had before chemo and cancer and all this shit), have decided to return. Ha. Fuck it, whatever, I have hair! My eyebrows, yes, they are growing back too. Cool, if I want to walk around looking like a mad scientist. Because that's what I look like, and it has nothing to do with Halloween. Lol. So either you see the platinum blond eyebrows looking like a mad scientist, or you don't see them at all. And not only that, but it appears my left eyebrow is thicker and fuller than my right one. How odd. And I have my eyelashes back too. Cool. Not that I missed them. I never wear makeup. Enough about hair already. Perhaps I was making up for lost time since I had no hair to talk about for months. Ha.

Sleep. Let's talk about this. It's up and down. It's like a love/hate relationship. I swear. One night I will sleep like shit, and then another and so on. Then I sleep like a rock. So either my body is just exhausted, or I was actually able to sleep for a change. I bought a maternity pillow this week. What a game changer. This thing is so comfortable and soft, it feels like I am snuggling with a cloud. I love it. Something about being able to snuggle with this pillow also helps with my expanders, them moving and me being able to get comfortable, and laying on my side. Yes, I have been sleeping on my side!!! What a game changer. It is still so weird and uncomfortable, even after 5 weeks to try and sleep on my back. It just isn't natural for me. 

Nerve pain. It blows. I've noticed a few things over the last several weeks and didn't know what to make of it. One of my dogs would step on me and it felt like their little paws were digging in more than usual. My dogs weigh 6 - 11 pounds, so they are small, and I normally don't feel that way. Then I started noticing more and more, with other things and any kind of resistance against by body. Then a quick shooting/stabbing pain. I was finally like WTF is this and what is going on? Oh ya, those are my nerves throughout my body just fucking with me. OMG. Surgery and chemo can really reek havoc on your body, even months after the fact. Christ. I had no idea, but now I get to live with that shit. I hope it's temporary and goes away over time, and I am glad it isn't constant.

Scratching and not scratching the itch. So you get an itch, you scratch it, and then on to the next thing. Who ever thinks about it for more than it is? No one, that's who. But wait, now I will sound like the crazy lady because I cannot scratch the itch. I mean I can, but it does me no good. For the most part, my chest is still almost completely numb. Same with my right armpit. Is that weird? It feels weird. Really weird. I go to put deodorant on, and look in the mirror as I am applying it, yet I cannot feel it. Strange. The other day I went to grab something, and something else fell hitting me in the chest. I felt nothing. Super strange. So here's the most fucked up part. I get an itch in one of these areas, so naturally I go to scratch it. Shouldn't bother. Although the itch is there, I can't feel the scratching, and therefore, that itch really never gets satisfied. Can you imagine? I keep trying until it just goes away. WTH?!?

Expanders. Fuck these things. I have a friend who also has breast cancer and she agrees. They are almost the worst things ever. Do you know how strange it is to feel a foreign object moving inside your body? I am guessing not. I will tell you, it's not cool. Not cool at all. Not only do I feel them moving, but they are rock hard, and I am guessing this is the way it is going to be until I get them out. Fortunately they don't move all the time, but when they do, it sucks. FML sometimes.

Healing. I am healing still. It is going well. I still have my limitations, and I mostly notice them when I go to do something, and my body says, ya fucking right. You aren't doing this. And that's it. So depending on what it is, I ask for help or say fuck it. Or I get the step stool. That mother fucker has gotten more use in the last few weeks than not. My legs seem weaker than usual too, but apparently this is just part of my healing process. I feel like an old fucking woman in terms of my body and how resistance it is with EVERYTHING right now. Ugh. It's annoying. I can't wait to get back to normal. 

Until next time..........

Damn, look at all that hair!!!

(The hair that is naturally always in fohawk mode for whatever reason. That is just how it is growing back. Interesting.)

Fuck what? These Expanders. That's What.

So I am just over 4 weeks post op now. Feeling better every day, no doubt. Seems like a noticeable difference. Terrific! My right arm is still sore, and when I extend it out, I am reminded that I am not back to 100% yet. Drains are out. They came out 8 days ago. I started healing even quicker. Yahoo! 

The drains being removed. After 3.5 weeks. FINALLY! What can I say about that? I found out they were stitched in on the side of my body. Weird. The left one, no pain when it was removed. The right one. Fuck me. It felt like someone was pulling on the drain tube with the stitch still in my body. WTF?!? Fortunately for me, it was a quick process. Thank god that is over, for now. More to come later on with these fucking things. 

My boobs are rock hard. I mean ROCK hard. OMG. It's weird. Uncomfortable. Tight. It feels like I have a wired bra on that is way too small ALL THE TIME! I don't even know what else to say. On the flip side, my boobs are as perky as they have been in so many years, and I don't ever have to wear a bra which is great! I literally throw a shirt on, and done. It's honestly so fabulous in that aspect.

Sleeping is a fucking nightmare. I was told I need to sleep on my back. Ya, I get it. I had all my breast tissue removed, expanders placed, and then was stitched up, plus I had my drains........so it all makes sense, right? So here I am thinking that the 2-3 month window they gave me to sleep on my back was just a little exaggerated perhaps. I really thought once my drains were out, I would naturally be more comfortable, and maybe I can start sleeping on my side. I didn't figure at this point I would be ready to sleep on my stomach. Sleeping on my side? Nope. Not happening. I thought maybe sleeping on the couch, so I have a support for my back against the back of it may be better, and it is, over a flat mattress. When I try laying on my side, either side, I feel my expanders move. It is a gross feeling. My expanders will slightly fall to the side I am laying on. Thanks gravity. So one pushes the other and it just sucks. When I've tried laying on side, I have to have the opposite shoulder back, which then leads to my back being in an awkward position, and then it starts hurting. So I play round 416 of the night trying to lay a different way. Some days I seriously wonder how I function with the little sleep I am getting.

What else? I have a big one. So I started my keytruda again last Friday. Great, let's get this finished, although I will be on this through the end of April 2023. When I went to have my drains removed last week, I completely forgot to mention this to my plastic surgeon. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I have found that it is best that I tell every doctor what is going on with another doctor. It is in my best interest, and I have a lot going on. Anyways, I sent an email to my PS, and thankfully I did. I spoke with his FA in the office. She has spoken with my plastic surgeon and he said I cannot have my reconstructive surgery until after I am done with my keytruda. It's risky is what he said. I like taking risks, but not in this case. Nope. Not happening. So the soonest she said they can do the reconstruction is June 2023. Holy shit. Seriously next summer? Jesus christ. I actually have it scheduled for August 2023. Shit. These fucking expanders are going to be in for another 10 months. FML.

2 Weeks Post-Op and 3 Doctor Appointments Later

Here I am, 2 weeks post op and 3 doctors appointments later. It really has been a busy week. 

Let's start with where I am and how I feel. I am in no pain, however, I am sore. My chest almost feels like a pulled muscle. Strange place to feel that way, but it's the best way I can describe it. Full movement in my left arm with seemingly no restrictions. Does that seem weird that I added that? It won't in a minute. Right arm is still sore, and I can only lift it, when bent, just over my shoulder. My underarm is still very very sore. This is due to the lymph nodes my breast surgeon removed. I still cannot shower or take a bath because I still have my drains. That super sucks, but I am managing, and pretty well actually. I have found some good work arounds. This way I don't have to walk around stinky!!! I still cannot lift anything with any kind of weight, but I think that's to be expected.

What doctors appoints did I go to this week? These were all for follow up appointments. 

Monday - Follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon. He says everything looks great, I am healing well, my drains will be in for another 2 weeks, and told me how great I did in surgery. He said I have great skin, and for that reason, he filled up my expanders half way during surgery. Awesome. (So this explains why I woke up with boobs after surgery, which I didn't know until my appointment this week). He also filled up my expanders the rest of the way. So he says, try your boobs out, see how you like them, and then we will go from there. Excellent. Jury is still out on the size of my boobs. I am really having a hard time deciding if I like the size or not. My "new boobs" are so perky, and they are so different from my OG boobs, I don't know if I should leave them or not. Reconstructive surgery is currently scheduled for the end of January 2023.

Wednesday - Follow up appointment with my breast surgeon. Same conclusion as my plastic surgeon. I am healing well and look great. She went over my pathology results in more detail and gave me the official reports. No more mammograms from here on out, and all I have to do is come into her office every 6 months for 2 years, then annually after that for a breast exam to make sure there are no lumps, etc. So a manual breast exam. The reason I don't have to do mammograms is because I don't have any more breast tissue. Radiation will not be necessary. Thank God! Next appointment is in January.

Friday - Follow up with my oncologist. No radiation is needed. He said I knocked it out of the park with how well I responded to chemo. (Hell ya I did, I am a fucking badass........and I have a bracelet that says the same, which was a gift I received while going through chemo, thank you MAJOR!!!!) He did suggest 9 more rounds of Keytruda, which was a medication I was taking also when I was going through chemo. Taking this after BEATING CANCER'S ASS, increases the chances of any kind of cancer NOT returning by 94%. I like that number. I only have to go once every three weeks, so that's not bad at all, however, if I go every treatment on time, as scheduled, I won't finish this until the end of March 2023. That seems like forever away from now. It'll be here before I know it, I'm sure.

What's next? Drains are going to be coming out in 9 days. Thank god. Sounds like a normal shower will be coming my way. And just healing for now, because it is going to take time. I don't know how much, but I suspect about another 4-10 weeks. I went to three doctors appointments and forgot to ask all of them what to expect for healing time. Really? Go fucking figure. I will find out, because inquiring minds want to know.

What's That Cancer? Go Fuck Yourself!

Here I am, I am back...........and CANCER FREE!!! What?!? The best news I have received this year I think. WooHoo!

Let me back up a minute here since I jumped right to the best part. I had my surgery a week ago on September 23, 2022. Double mastectomy. Boobs are gone. Nipples are gone. Great part is, I am not flat chested because I have expanders in, so even after a double mastectomy, I still have bigger boobs than some. LOL. (No offense small chested ladies, you are lucky, it's just easier).

I will have these expanders in until my next surgery which should be in about 3 months. The expanders are basically a place holder for my reconstructive surgery. This way, later on they won't have to try and make room for new boobs. 

Are you wondering how I am feeling? Seriously, I feel great. I didn't think I would feel as good as I do, not by any means. I stayed overnight in the hospital for one night, and I was on my way home the day after surgery. I can't drive for 3 weeks which absolutely sucks. I have 3 follow up appointments next week, that I have to try and figure out transportation for. Not impossible, but something I am not used to. Lucky for me, my bestie flew in the day before my surgery and stayed with me for 5 days while I have been recovering. Then another great friend of mine took over and is still here with me. Fantastic. I am glad they both volunteered to come take care of me. Super nice of both of them.

I was told to rest, naturally, as my body is healing from surgery. I get it. The worst part of all of this? 100% no bullshit. Trying to get used to sleeping elevated, and on my back. I have been a stomach sleeper my entire life, and now, never again likely. Super sucks. 

I am walking around just fine and exceeding the expectation of my doctors so far in terms of healing (I think, based on what I read on the discharge papers and what I should be doing by this point), so that's great. I have drains in, which I thought would've the grossest part of this, but they don't bother me, even when I have to empty them. I will have these in for 3 weeks or so. My chest is sore. Almost like I pulled my chest muscles, but the pain has been very bearable. I am taking pain meds, and I am sure they are helping. I am working on weaning off of them already because I feel like I am ready to.

So to the great news of being cancer free. My doctors office called yesterday, and I am cancer free. My pathology reports came back and couldn't be any better. The tumor (cancer mass) is completely gone. The doctor took lymph nodes from under my right arm (the cancer side), and all of those also came back negative. Everything she tested was negative which is exactly what I was hoping for. The other great news that comes along with this is that I won't need to do radiation. Even better because fuck that. That was the one thing out of all of this that I never wanted to do. 

The one thing (that I know for sure at this point), that is a potential con, is I have to always be conscious about potentially getting lymphedema. I am at a low risk, but none the less, it is a risk factor. My right arm. No blood draws, blood pressure, tattoos. Nothing other than regular normal activities, or I could aggravate the current lymph nodes and then shit will be gross. No thanks. 

The way I see this is I won. Everything is a win win win! I kicked cancer's ass.........just like I thought I would. I still have a long way to go, and 3 more surgeries, but I am closer now to being done than ever, where I can get my life back to normal!

What's New Pussycat?

I know, it's been a while, so are you wondering what's new pussycat? (Do you hear the song in your head?!?, you're welcome).

As you know, I finished chemo, and thankfully, that part is over. Yahoo! I was due to have surgery a few weeks ago, but no, I got fucking Covid instead. Like fucking really? Yep, really. So it had to be postponed. I was completely ready for surgery too. Mentally, physically, and any other way, I was ready. Nope. I had to wait. Things happen for a reason, right? I suppose.

So I got Covid. It was simple. Easy. My symptoms were so mild I would have sworn I didn't have it. Seriously. Lucky for me though because I still don't have an immune system built back up. It's going to be months and months before that returns to normal. As a matter of fact, when I get a cold, it was much worse than what Covid was, by far.

I called my oncologist to let him know I had Covid because of the lack of immune system I have. They prescribed me an antiviral medication. Woohoo. Let's kick this out of my system ASAP. They prescribe it to those that are high risk. I had no idea something like this even existed. When I read up on it, it is 90% effective to keep you out of the hospital and from dying. Excellent. It worked and Covid was gone before I knew it. I got extremely lucky. It could have been really bad. But just wait you say? Yep, that's right because while Covid was on it's way out, I ended up with a double ear infection and an upper respiratory infection. Oh my fucking god! It's like I couldn't catch a fucking break. Why not try out some other infections while I am at it? Such shit. But I went to my PCP, got a 5 day antibiotic, and boom, that shit was gone quick too. Awesome.

Now that I am all good, my surgery has been rescheduled and that will be happening here soon. I had to go through the mental prep again, which I would have preferred to skip. But as I often say, it is what it is. I am ready, I think, and I know I want to get this part over with so I can move on tto the next, that way I am closer to all this being over with 😀

Fuck Cancer! Chemo is DONE!!!

Great news! I finished my chemo today and couldn't be happier. This chapter is now closed, and I rang the bell signifying the same! On to the next, but I have time to wait, so I'll wait.

I feel great and I am going to take full advantage of that!

I got a great surprise today. I went to chemo as scheduled this morning. As I was checking in at the front desk, my sister showed up to surprise me. Awesome. Not only did she show up to support me, but brought me flowers, balloons and a card! Wow. I wasn't expecting that by any means. It was so thoughtful of her. And here I planned to sleep during my chemo like I normally do. Not today!

My chemo infusion went fine, as usual, although it took longer than normal. Either way. Who cares. I AM DONE! No more chemo for me. Awesome. 

I get home from chemo, and what's waiting for me at the door? Flowers. A beautiful vase of pink and white flowers. My bestie sent them to me, and I also got a card in the mail from her too. My day was full of great surprises!!!

I have celebrating to do, and have limited time to do it. I have a month before the next major milestone in all of this. So, plans are being made........

Ringing the bell. Chemo is done. The staff even played "celebrate" while I was taking pics

Thanks to my sister for being there today to support me in the closing of this chapter, and my bestie for getting me this awesome shirt to wear in celebration 😊

Beautiful flowers from my bestie

One Week To Go...........Then Chemo Will Be Over

Wow. I can't believe I have come so far, but it's been 6 months and 15 chemo treatments thus far, and with one more treatment to go, chemo is almost behind me. A week from today, I will have my last infusion. How exciting. 

That sounds so fucked up too. I am excited about my last chemo treatment. It is fucked up. Fucked up that I have cancer, fucked up I had to even go though this to begin with really. But I have come a long way throughout this ordeal, and soon I can close the door on this chapter. Wow.

I have still been feeling great, and surprisingly, sleeping a bit less than my usual 12 hours a night sometimes. Some night I only sleep 9-10 hours which is a lot, but that means I also gain more hours in the day to be productive. I love being productive, and that I certainly have been. It feels so great!

My life has seemingly felt so normal, doing things I would normally do. Then reality hits. I pass by a mirror and my bald head (or peach fuzz because I am not truly bald anymore), smacks me in the face. It has been at least 100 every day for the past 3-4 weeks; this is the time I am glad to have little to no hair. LOL. It is just too damn hot, and I am over it.

Despite the lack of hair, I feel great, and that's what matters. All of my body hair appears to be coming back, and I cannot say I am thrilled about that. I am going to have to shave my legs soon. What a bummer. I have enjoyed these months, over the summer, pool weather, to not even have to worry about it. It's been so nice!! 

I am looking forward to the weeks ahead, finishing my chemo treatment, then getting ready for my double mastectomy surgery which is scheduled for 5 weeks from now...........

What?!? Only One More Treatment To Go? Already?

Yep, that's right. Only one more chemo treatment to go! Sweet! Three of these four Red Devil treatments are done and behind me, already, despite only going once every three weeks. Time sure is going by quickly. 

What's new? Anything? Not really, and then yes. I am still feeling great. It is amazing how good I feel and what it really has done to lift my spirits. Feeling like a normal person, doing normal things. I swear I had almost forgotten what that is like. I am taking advantage of it for sure, within reason of course. Nothing too drastic, because I don't want to fall down hard core style. I already feel like I have been through the wringer time and time again throughout this shit.

The nurses and doctors must think I am crazy too. They ask what symptoms I am having, and I tell them not really any, and I've never felt better, except prior to my treatment. They look at me crossed eyed almost because if you recall, these rounds of chemo should have knocked me on my ass, and hit even harder than the first medication they had me on. Nope, I have had the complete opposite experience. Granted, my cell counts are down, as to be expected, because I was told that is what happens with everyone. I seem to think that comes without saying when they have seen it so many times. The only thing I notice, which has really become my new normal is sleeping in 12 hour shifts. Fortunately I haven't been taking any naps since I started this Red Devil, and that has been a nice change, because that hardly made me feel like an adult.

As long as things stay on track, my last chemo treatment will be on August 8th, 2022. That's just over two weeks from now. To think at this point, I have been going through this for almost 6 months to the day is mind boggling. It really is. I can't believe so much time has passed so quickly already, and here I am almost done with this phase of my journey. Then it'll be time to ring the bell........

What's Up? Just Checking In.....

Just here to check in. Kind of off the beaten path of when I normally do an update, but here I am, all for your reading pleasure 😉

Last week, I had another infection in my gums. Like really, another one? Because the first one wasn't enough? That is a thing of the past now. I got another round of antibiotics, and it's gone. Fortunately, it didn't really impact me much as I caught it earlier than the first one. 

So what's new? Again, yes, once again, just like after my first treatment, I have been feeling "normal". By "normal" I mean back to how I felt before all of this started. It is such a great feeling. I know I missed feeling normal, and now that I have that back, I am ecstatic! I feel like a regular person, who can do whatever I need to do, don't need help, and don't get tired after a few minutes. It's honestly a huge relief. It is an amazing feeling!

What am I doing now that I am feeling normal? Not taking naps! Keeping up with housework, because as we all know, that's normal. It's the necessary evil. I have also worked on a scrapbook I am making specifically for this journey in my life. It's called "My Shitty Titty Story". I made the cover for it a few months or so ago and never had the energy to put into doing any more with it. Then, with this new found regular level of energy, I spent two full days working on it and have it finished. Wow! That even surprised me. (For those of you that have no idea, that is an incredibly short amount of time to get a scrapbook done). It is finished to date. As my journey is not yet over, I will be adding more pictures to it as time goes on and I get further into whatever is next. Radiation, surgeries, etc. 

Oh and I have something else to share. 4 days ago, I noticed my head felt different. What do I mean? At some point every day, I rub my head. That may sound weird, as it does to me, but remember, I have no hair. I haven't had hair in 3.5 months now. It is a normal thing for me to touch my head at least at this point. Perhaps similar to a woman running her hands through her hair. I don't know. Anyways, I ask my sister to look at it. Does it look different? No, she says. Next day, same thing. And the following day, same thing. Still getting the same answer, and I swear I am not losing my mind, my head feels different. I finally get a close up in the mirror and guess what?!? My hair is growing back. WOW! It literally looks and feels like peach fuzz.  Not what I was expecting to see. Now the mystery will be how it grows back. I can't wait to see!

So as uneventful, or eventful as my life is, that's all I've got for now. Every day is a new adventure, and it's been a great few weeks! I am optimistic that the weeks coming will be even better!

Here It Is, Less Than A Week Later With Another Update? Hmmmm.

So yes, earlier than usual and another update. Why? Just because I have some great news to share, and then just some news.

Let's start off with the great news, because the other stuff is just info really. So I had my second round of Red Devil 6 days ago, so not long ago at all. The last time I went through this, it was a shit show. Well, at least for now, that has changed. I have had a great week! I have felt great, almost back to my old self again! It is truly amazing. I didn't take one nap either! Yes, I had to go to my oncologist every damn day, but getting those injections to increase my white blood cell counts may be the trick. I'm not sure, but I am taking this victory without a doubt! I haven't felt this good in so long, and I hope it lasts. My energy level has been so much better, and I feel like I was able to take bigger steps and just the not being so worn out part has been tremendous!

On just the info side, I discovered today, that I only have a few eyelashes remaining, and the same with my eyebrows. I never wear makeup, so that wasn't a dead giveaway to me. Honestly, I don't care, I know they will grow back. The way I discovered this is kind of funny to me. This morning, I was rubbing my eye because I felt like there was something in there. I got it out, but noticed the "missing" hairs at that same moment. I had a friend once tell me who was going through breast cancer when she lost her eyelashes, ear hair and nose hair, it was very very apparent. You dont realize what these little hairs do to protect foreign objects from entering different orifices in your body. I sure do now and I can relate to what she told me. Just another one of those things this battle brings on, although very minimal.

I hope to keep riding this wave of feeling good. I love having this opportunity to feel "normal" again after all this time. Such a breath of fresh air.

I am creating a Breast Cancer Scrapbook. 

I just finished the cover, which I designed and custom made. I am elated with how it turned out!

Only 2 More Treatments To Go

Another one bites the dust (I 🖤 Queen), and I now only have 2 treatments to go. Yahoo. Perhaps I could have chosen better verbiage, but too fucking bad. That's what came to mind. Done and done. I won't apologize.

I went for my second Red Devil treatment this morning. I learned a lot, I think. I met with my oncologist, Dr. Carlos Taboada, and he mentioned that although my white blood cell count numbers are good, my red blood cell count is borderline; I may need a blood transfusion. This is the same spot I was in last week. Fuck me, again. Let's just hope things improve. There's nothing I can do on my own but rest to get those numbers to come up. Ok, great. I will be getting an injection every day starting tomorrow through next Tuesday to get my white blood cell count up. Great. Again, long drives for 5 minutes.

He also mentioned something I didn't know about this Red Devil,. which makes me think he is reading my blog, or is a mind reader. Neither of which is clearly happening, but.........the reason for the Red Devil is to keep the cancer from ever coming back, or metastasizing. This is a bit of a game changer for me. Until today, I didn't have this knowledge, and now I think it's worth it more than ever. I finally get why I have to go through all this shit and why my body is too. 

Infusion time. In talking with the nurse who was taking care of me today, she mentioned that your blood cell counts, and all of your other numbers (there is about 50 or so they test for every time), drop substantially for everyone on Red Devil. Good to know. I didn't know last week or two weeks ago if I had done something to cause any of these issues (aside from the infection in my gums that is now long gone), and now I know for certain, it has nothing to do with me. Awesome. I asked about iron. Why? If you know anything about the body, iron is in your red blood cells. So I thought maybe if I took a supplement or the gave me iron through my port, maybe that would help? Nope. Unfortunately not. What I have going on has nothing to do with my iron. Bummer. Nice try though.

My treatment went well. I slept through most of it per my usual plan. It's great I got a nap in because I had to be up earlier than usual today. Win!

Let hope these next three weeks are better to me than the last 3 weeks were 🤞

The Red Devil Has Begun......

The Red Devil has begun. I don't know if it should be celebratory that I now have one done and only 3 more to go, or not. Treatment started on June 6, 2022. I only have it every three weeks. I would love to hurry and expedite this and get it over with, but that is not how this one works. 

Let me tell you what this shit is like. It has the name for a reason. It's a fucking nightmare is what it is. Bloating is back in full force. Splendid. I am more tired than ever. Like how much can I actually sleep? Is this a test? I have always liked sleeping and enjoyed it. But this is ridiculous. I am now sleeping 14+ hours a night, then taking naps some days too. Jesus Fuck. It's way more than excessive.

On my treatment day, I find out from my labs that my white blood cell count is lower than they would like to see, therefore, I have to go in every day that week for an injection to boost my white blood cells, then come Friday, they will again do lab work and see if the injections worked. OMG! I literally drive there every day, got a shot, and went on my merry way. It takes me 30-40 minutes to drive one way for less than a 5 minute visit. Ugh. Not a fan of this shit already. But, the good news in all this is that come Friday, my white blood cell count was up even higher than they anticipated. Woohoo. Done with that shit for now. I have the next two weeks to hopefully have somewhat of a normal life, right? Wrong. 

Week two after my treatment. It's Wednesday (9 days after my first Red Devil treatment), and my neck below my jaw is sore. My tongue is sore like I bit it. No idea initially what was going on, and it didn't take me long to figure it out. My gums were also sore. Sore like there is something stuck in them, which has now started an infection, and causing all the soreness. What the actual fuck? A few things run through my mind. One. I was told not to floss, mainly because the doctors don't want you doing even the tiniest of things that could cause an infection (fucking, really?!? How ironic). Because had I flossed like I have every day for years and years, I wouldn't be in this position. But here I am. I used my water pic and got whatever was in there out.  Two. I have no immune system because the chemo drugs have literally killed it. So I cannot fight this off. Not like your body would normally fight this type of thing off. Three. WTF is next? I called the office after hours, and the doctor on call wants to see me the next morning. Just what I was hoping for. Nope. Not at all. He also calls in an antibiotic for me to start taking right away.

Next morning, I am at the doctors office. Yippee. They again do blood work, and confirm the suspicion of an infection. My white blood cell count is dangerously low. So low that they give me an injection as a booster right away, and tell me I need to come back for another injection tomorrow, however, if my levels do not increase, I will have to be hospitalized. I guess they aren't fucking around, and I am not going to fight it. They really know what's best for me.

Friday morning, back at the office again, lab work done again. White blood cell count is up, and the levels are high enough that they are satisfied, but they want to see me again Monday morning because I received another injection and they want to monitor this because I won't have injections over the weekend. Ugh. Monday morning, back to the office. Again, lab work is done, and my white blood cell count is up, and they are happy at that. So all is well that ends well right? Wrong. Do you see this trend? Just when you think things are good, you get the good old go fuck yourself.

What's going on now? Lab work revealed that now my red blood cell count is low. The paperwork states "critically low".  So what does this mean? I may need a blood transfusion. WTF? No. The oxygen in my blood is basically not enough, and therefore your heart is working harder than it should be. Christ. Sounds like a fucking heart attack or stroke waiting to happen, but I don't ask about that. Instead, I am told I need to be on bedrest and sleep as much as I can because that is what'll do the best for me. More sleep. Really? Then she tells me if I have chest pains, shortness of breath or a rapid heart beat that I need to go to the ER. I swear I am not trying for a hospital stay. So bed rest lasted two days...........I am not meant to lay in bed all damn day and night.

With all the shit that has happened with my first Red Devil treatment, it really makes me want to say fuck this. No more chemo. Let's hope for the best to this point and move on to the next step. Yes, I only have 3 more to go, but this is a fucking nightmare to me. I won't be done until August with these treatments, and that just seems so far away.

Treatment # 12 Complete. Taxol Is Done.

Yahoo! I completed the first round of my chemo treatment, Taxol. 12 rounds of this shit. Yes, shit. Chemo is no fun. It's bogus. Dumping poison into your body, every week for 12 weeks straight. What a fucking delight.

At some point, I asked my oncologist about the side effects, and found out they are cumulative. Affirmative. They sure fucking have been. I was more tired each week. I had less energy every week, and that is in part why I wasn't keeping my blog up to date. I don't exactly know how to explain it, but something seemingly as simple as taking a shower has been a huge struggle for me. It's like I have to pep talk myself into it. A shower, really? Yes, really. Something that I have done every day without thinking twice about it until chemo. So with that being said, just imagine how monumental everything else in my life is. Dishes. Ya, right. Sweeping. Nope. Cleaning in general. Whatever. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not all horrible and not every day is a cluster fuck. Tuesday have historically throughout this process been my best day. The day after each chemo treatment. Does that seem weird? I would have thought, and I did initially, that I would feel awful right from the beginning, and immediately, but that is not the case even still. I am riding the steroids.........so Tuesday had become my favorite day of the week!

I am stoked that I have finished 12 rounds of chemo, and that Taxol is over, however, I have been warned that the worst is yet to come. Fuck me. I am not looking forward to the next 4 rounds, because that is all I have left, but what can I do? Nothing. Grin and bear it basically. Let's hope it's not as bad because during Taxol, I feel like I was extremely lucky and my side effects, although present, were minimal. 

Oh yes, side effects. So, I did some more reading in the groups I am in for breast cancer, and saw more posts about effective side effect supplements. Tart Cherry. Never heard of it. I bought some and tried them. I am a firm believer that they work. My side effects were even less than they have been to this point, which is great. In addition to that, I have gone to the pool and noticed that on the weeks I was there, I had no side effects, no neuropathy at all! Amazing. Who didn't know this? Me, that's who. And I made sure I shared that in my group, because anyone going through this deserves to know. I don't know if it the cooler water, the sunshine or a combination of both, but it is effective either way.

I have a two week break from chemo now because the doctor wants my white blood cell count up before I start the "Red Devil" chemo. That name in itself makes me skeptical already......

It's Been A While.

It's been a while since I updated or posted anything, and for those of you keeping up to date, my apologies.

It has been a shit show in a way, and I will get into all that in my next posts, so I can provide details on each.

Thanks for waiting it out for me to finally update this, and for those who personally reached out to me to see why I hadn't updated this. Here I am. I am back, and I will do better 😬

I AM So Sick Of This Shit

That's right. Fucking sick and tired of this shit. What shit am I talking about? Just everything. I am sick of walking around feeling like shit. Being tired all the time. Sleeping more than half my day away and taking naps. Not having any energy to even do the dishes. Not wanting to take a shower, but feeing the need, and it turning into a fucking pep talk from myself to do it. Gaining weight. The struggles I am facing because I have gained weight due to the steroids. Everything feeling like it weighs twice what it does and just being that much harder to lift. Be uncomfortable sitting, standing or laying down. Looking around the house knowing shit needs to get done and I just can't do it. Like seriously WTF???

I am ready to say fuck this shit. I don't want to do chemo anymore. It is just physically and mentally fucking draining and I have had enough. I am more than half way through it. Tomorrow will be my 11th treatment, and I will only have 5 left after that, but fully knowing that starting with treatment 13, things will get worse. How much fucking worse can things get? 

I know, I know I really have it better than a lot of other women, and I should be grateful, and I really have been to this point. But it's just that every day gets harder and harder and I'm over it. I don't like relying on other people to do things for me. I just don't and that's how I've always been. I am appreciative for everyone around and all they've done. I really am. I feel like I am not as self sufficient as I once was, and that's true. I am just not the same. I am looking forward to getting back to who I used to be, doing what I used to do, and it being easy. 

Most days I feel like a sumo wrestler. Christ, is this really how they walk around? Like I am waddling and every single THING is a struggle. OMG, I can't even imagine feeling like this for months, or even years on end. No fucking way. That, and then how I see myself in the mirror as a result of the sumo wrestler look. Fuck me. No way. I have never been one who likes to work out, exercise, go to the gym, or any kind of "healthy" activity, for the most part. Things are going to change. I can't wait until I get some energy. I am going to burn it in a positive way and get back to feeling like I did before all this started.

For now, I am going to suck this bullshit up and deal with it. God forbid I eat a pea, I won't need to eat for another fucking week.........

Another Minute. Another Hour. Another Day.

Another week has passed. Another week of being sore, hurting and just being uncomfortable. OMG. Fuck this shit for real. It gets worse as time goes on. I have three of these treatments to go and I am ready for this one to just be over with already. I am just over it.

This past week, Thursday - Saturday were my bad days. Better than last week, seeing as I was only hurting 3/7 days this week. It still sucks, but that means I should have Sunday - Wednesday this week, maybe. If I am lucky. I have my heavy dose, and new cycle starting tomorrow. No telling what that may bring.

As I sit here and bitch about what is going wrong and how I am feeling, I have done a lot of reading in general in other breast cancer groups, and in reality, I think I am one of the lucky ones. I read what some of these women go through, things I have never experienced, thank god. This shit is real. The side effects are very real.  I should be relieved that mine are minimal in comparison. Three more Taxol treatments to go, then on to my next chemo treatment which I am told by the nurses will be worse. Ugh. No thank you?

I am tired of being tired. I sleep 12+ hours a night, then nap nearly every day. My body is just tired. My mind is tired. I AM JUST TIRED. Let's look at the glass half full. I have 3 more of these treatments to go, then 4-5 of the next chemo treatments to go, so in reality, I am more than half way done with chemo. Yahoo! But it isn't over then. I still have my double mastectomy, radiation, and the rest of my hysterectomy to go.........and don't forget about the reconstructive surgery. All those things will take time to heal from too. So more down time, more naps and likely more sleeping.

Perhaps I shouldn't be in a hurry to retire............or maybe I should. When I am healed, recovered and past this breast cancer. Assuming Covid is a thing of the past, I can then travel. 😚

Fuck. This. Week.

 Seriously, fuck this week. This has been by far the hardest week I have had yet since I started chemo. 

I napped every day this week. Every. Fucking. Day. I cannot believe I am so tired every day. My energy level is so low and I basically do nothing all damn day. It’s almost like what the fuck is the point of getting out of bed to essentially do nothing? Seems unnecessary.

Aside from having no energy and being tired with zero the little motivation, yesterday I was so sick. Sicker than I have been since all this started. I was a hot fucking mess and then some. I even vomited. That’s a first. And upon vomiting, not that I want to talk about it in great detail, but I noticed that dinner I had eaten approximately 18 hours prior, was still undigested. Well that isn’t Normal. Fuck me. Let me just add this shit to the list of what’s going on.

I am in some groups on FB about cancer, and breast cancer specifically. I decided to post in there about what I am experiencing and ask if anyone else has the same. I received many responses, and I think much to my surprise, yes, many other women are having the same side effects. I also asked about the longer you get into treatment, if your side effects get worse. Yep. That is the definitive answer. That explains a lot. 

I only have 4 more Taxol treatments left, then on to the next round of meds on AC a.k.a. Red Devil. No telling what that’s going to bring, let’s just hope I can get through these last 4 Taxol treatments without shit getting worse in the meantime.

8 Taxol Treatments Down The Shoot

I'm 8 treatments down as of today, and 4 more Taxol treatments to go...........then on to the next. AC aka The Red Devil, but more on that later.

Wow, 8 treatments down already. That seemed to go quickly. But that's great because I am ready to put this whole ordeal behind me. Like completely behind me. I still have a long road ahead though. Probably about another 12 months to go. 

This past week after round 7, which also started my new cycle, was ok. I was really tired and napped every day. I feel like at my age I should not be napping, but I am so tired I just give in. Then I expect to wake up feeling refreshed, and hoping to be productive, only to not feel that way. It is so boring just sitting around. I am not a tv watcher so that gets old quick. I haven't felt like reading, and everything else just seems like it's a huge challenge to even think about trying to accomplish. That's what I don't like; everything seems like a fucking chore.

Aside from sleeping about 12 hours a day and napping, I still had the bone/nerve pain (maybe neuropathy?!?) going on, however, if you recall I have been taking those alpha lipid acid pills, and much like everyone said, I do think they are working. Not 100% like I feel nothing, however, better than after my new cycle the last time, three weeks prior, so that's great! I hope the longer I take it, the better it works to the point where I won't have feel any of this pain. That would be great!!!!

Nothing else in terms of chemo treatment and shit to report really, however, it appears that the hair on my head is growing, much to my surprise. It's about 3/8" long and still has pink tips! I thought for sure at some point the spouts I have would just fall out, but they haven't! So weird. I haven't noticed any other areas aside from what I reported last week, where I've lost hair. Maybe that's it for me. Time will tell.

This week, well today, when I went for chemo, it was rougher than usual. Phlebotomist couldn't hit my vain in my arm to draw blood. I don't like her and I feel like she was being lazy honestly......but the second girl hit it the first time. They literally never have an issue taking my blood............then on to having my port tapped for my infusion. Poor nurse tried 3 times and couldn't get it. I was almost ready to have a heart to heart with him, look him right in the eyes and tell him to get it together. Lol. He is relatively new, and super nice, and I wouldn't want him to be scared of me, so I decided not to say anything. He got another nurse, the pro as I would call her, and she even had a hard time, but got it on her first try....barely. So I was poked and prodded way more than I wanted to be today, and not in the way I would have wanted either 😏  Once again I slept through chemo, just in time to wake up when it was all over. Nice!!!! Let's hope this week treats me better than last week!

Until I have new adventures to share.........

Just Checking In

Just checking in and I have notable items to mention. Hmmm, interested? Let's see.

This week was not as good as I had hoped. I had neuropathy (the bone pain I describe) kick in on Thursday, and although it has died down a lot, it's still going on, and I am on the 4th day since it started. Thursday and Friday were the worst, and I honestly thought after that it would go away, but yesterday and today, it's still happening. Fucking great. It is just uncomfortable. Obviously painful, but low on the 1-10 scale. I just figured out yesterday how I can tell you what it's like so you can relate (not that anyone would seriously want to). If you have ever had a shin splint, that's exactly what it's like, with the lingering pain effect. When it starts, you get a quick zapping pain wherever (mine are all somewhere from the waist down mostly), followed by the lingering shin splint pain. WTF? It's not cool.

I am a part of several facebook groups all about breast cancer, mastectomy's, wigs, all things related. I do read them regularly and also help where I can when other women in this same position, have questions. Yesterday I came across a post about neuropathy and read that aplha-lipoic acid pills help. This coming from other women who use them and say they work. Great. So I have those now and started taking them last night. Let's hope they help. 

I have been really tired this whole week. I have been doing a lot of resting. Way more than usual, but if that's what my body says, then rest it is. I am so sick of laying around though. Like over it. So over it.

I have also noticed a few new things this week. Things I wasn't looking for, but discovered them. As you know by now, I lost my hair a few weeks ago. I still have alfalfa sprouts though which is interesting. The tips are still pink too! How funny. What I discovered though is that I have lost some hair on other areas of my body too. I didn't really notice either until I looked. Leg hair, gone. Nose hair (inside), gone. Armpit hair, gone. The hair on my arm however, still fully intact. Same with my eyebrows and eyelashes. Cool. I like that I've lost my hair in the areas I would typically shave. Nope, that is a thing of the past for now. Nice!