I’m Here, I’m Here

Yes, I‘m here. Perhaps a bit behind, but I am here. I have been so busy, and as much as I have been meaning to update this, the end of the day comes and I am beat. Just exhausted and wiped out. Perhaps that’s a good thing though, seems like things are getting even more back on track and back to “normal”. My new normal that is.

I have 42 days until my next surgery. Wow. That isn’t long. Not long at all. I scheduled an appointment today for my next CT scan which will be in about a month. I thought I no longer needed scans. Hmmm. It’s like, just kidding, go fuck yourself. We are still going to poke at you. Test you. Great. But then again, these continued tests will be constant reassurances that my cancer is gone and I’ll take that. Let me do whatever it is I need to do and what the doctors say so I never have to deal with this cancer bullshit again. 

So an overall update on how I have been feeling, and all the good and bad stuff. All in all, I have been feeling pretty decent. I have my moments where my arm bothers me and it’s sore for whatever unknown reason. Then there’s my inner thigh that occasionally acts up and feels like I pulled a muscle, and then I walk around limping. That shit isn’t cool. I think sometimes I over do it because I think I can do everything! then that shit reminds me that I can’t. 

I am going to just keep trucking. I can only be up from here…….

One More Chapter Offically Closed

It is an exciting time, as I have closed yet another chapter in this battle, journey, walk, whatever you want to call it. It actually closed three weeks ago, little did I know, until the other day.

I was at my oncologist for my last chemo treatment on April 6, 2023. How nice to be able to close that chapter. Move on to the next phase in all of this;  as it turns out, my last chemo treatment was on March 17, 2023. The change was due to my insurance issues (I am on COBRA as of 04.01.2023, but ll of that has not yet been finalized yet, therefore I suffer). 

I did have my labs drawn and met with my oncologist for my office visit. So that in itself is great. Despite not being able to have my "last" chemo treatment, my oncologist assured me, and mentioned he would bet his career on it, that my success rate with one less treatment, doesn't change. I am still in the same position. Wonderful. That was great to hear because that was certainly a concern of mine. My lab work showed my thyroid is still out of whack, although the medication appears to be helping. The medication may need to be adjusted and I am awaiting an answer on that (that part of my labs wasn't available when I had my office visit, it takes a bit longer than some other blood work results). My oncologist and I discussed my thyroid issue in itself. He said this is a side effect of the Keytruda, and may be a lifelong issue to deal with. Ugh, fucking great. Another medication, forever? Christ. How many pills can I pop at a time? This sounds like a challenge. Anyways, I go back in 2 months for a follow-up visit, so let's wait and see what happens then.

So now I sit and wait. My next step, the next major thing on my agenda is my reconstructive surgery (DIEP flap), which is scheduled for 06.06.2023. In the meantime, I have some other doctor appointments. I have appointments with my breast surgeon and plastic surgeon that I am completely aware of. Do I have other appointments? Honestly who fucking knows right now.

I am still sleeping seemingly more than I expected but when I mentioned it to my oncologist, he didn't seem to be alarmed by this. So I sleep when I need to for as long as I need to. I am hoping one of these days, I can sleep like a "normal" person and just a regular amount of hours.

I have lost some weight. Nothing to snub your nose at, but I am also not in line to be a Weight Watchers spokesperson. I have lost 8 pounds over the last 6 weeks. Cool. I will take that and consider it a win. Let's hope there is more of that to come.

In the meantime, I am going to keep it moving, until it's time to stop.

Happy Easter all!!

                                                 

Running Late For Another Update

Time is really flying by. I’ve been meaning to update this and the hours and days just go by. There’s never enough time. So many things to do, and some get pushed and pushed and pushed. This is unlike me. I like to be prompt and get shit done. I am not a procrastinator.

I just laid awake all night. And while I lay awake my mind doesn’t stop, I mean, whose does? So it just occurred to me, in just 10 short days from now, I finish chemo!!! Holy shit. After 1 year and 29 days, I’ll be finished with chemo. Fuck ya! I guess I just didn’t realize how close I was. I’m so excited for this door of my journey to be closing. After 25 chemo treatments, adios mother fucker. Time to get ready for the next phase in this walk. 

I went to my oncologist for chemo a week and a half ago. So more fucking not so great news. Not only is my thyroid out of whack where I added another medication to my regimen, but labs showed my liver levels (or whatever the term is for what’s out of range for your liver when it’s normal), is not functioning right. Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve gone through 24 mother fucking chemo treatments and NOW my liver is going to start having issues? Like fuck you. I don’t have time for this shit (just kidding, I totally do. Like WTF else do I do?). I would just prefer not to have to deal with any other parts of my body not functioning where they should be. Haven't I endured enough? Fuck me. I hope this is short lived. Just kind of a bump in the road. 

On the plus side, I dropped 4 pounds. Hell ya! Let’s get this body bikini ready. Lol. It’s going to be a long time before that shit happens. But it will happen! Once I wrap up with chemo and my thyroid gets on track, I should naturally start losing weight. I can’t wait. 

I’m super excited to keep it moving! I’m feeling pretty good these days and it’s such a relief. I am sleeping a lot though still which seems weird?!? But it makes sense. My body is being regularly poisoned, oh ya, that’s why I’m fucking tired. I think back to some of the shit I’ve gone through and I think, fuck those days. I am optimistic things are just going to get better from here, so stay tuned!

 

How Many Days Have Gone By?

It just occurred to me the other day that I have been going through chemo for over a year now. Wow. I missed my one year anniversary from when chemo started........that day came and went like many others, without missing a beat. You almost think I would have remembered that day, because I think it is significant. So many things have happened in that year.

To be exact, it has been 413 days since my diagnosis on January 26, 2022,  373 days since I started chemo on March 7, 2022, and 173 days since I had my double mastectomy on September 23, 2022. Shit. Time flies. I had my double mastectomy almost 6 months ago. I can't believe how quickly that time has gone by.

And with what I have gone through, and as far as I have come, I still have a long ways to go, but as time ticks by, I only have 83 days until my next surgery, the biggest one yet, my DIEP flap. Shit. I didn't realize it was sneaking up on me. It sure is. I look forward to getting that over with because I suspect that will be my hardest recovery yet. Time will tell. But not only do I have that surgery coming up, even closer to now, I only have 23 days until I will be done with chemo!!!

Less than 3 months to go before my next and largest hurdle. Do I have shit I need to wrap up in the meantime? Right now, who knows. Nothing I can think of aside from my regular appointments, with the exception of finishing up chemo, which will be great.

I went for blood work, to see if the cholesterol medication I started on 6 months ago is working. It is, and it is a really low dose. Awesome. But with good news, sometimes there's other shit. And it's just that. Shit. My thyroid is out of whack which can cause a whole lot of other issues, and it is. This may be a factor in my weight gain too, the doctor mentioned, which WTF ever. Steroids, and dysfunctional thyroid = weight gain. I don't honestly care, because I would rather be a bit fatter and have my life; cancer could have killed me, but it did not. So I'll take the weight gain in order to keep it moving.

So with all these things going on, and there always seems to be more and more, I will keep pushing forward, when I am not sleeping my 12 hours a night like I have been (I thought I was done with sleeping all those hours, but apparently not), so when I am not sleeping, I will just focus on feeling good, and taking things one day at a time.

What Is Going On Now?

It's been about 2 weeks since my last post. I haven't had much to say to this point in the last few weeks, but now, now, I have some things to say, after a crazy, busy and hectic week full of appointments.

I had chemo this past Friday; I only have two treatments to go 🤞 I hope with that being said, my treatment plan doesn't change. My numbers were out of whack this time and last in regard to my thyroid, so now I am on yet another new medication. Christ, another fucking medication. This one should be short term though so that's a plus. The issue with my thyroid may be causing many other issues, since it seems that that runs your body, to a point. So let's see what happens.

I have completed my physical therapy as well. That wrapped up the other day. Was I ready to be discharged? I think so, but either way, I maxed out my insurance benefit, so regardless if I was ready or not, it's too fucking bad, because I had no choice but to be done. I have regained my strength and have home exercises I can continue to do, so I think overall I am in good shape, and certainly way better than when I started PT. The weather has also been so great, so I have been walking my dogs everyday for about the past week and a half with the exception of one, due to the weather. They enjoy it, and it's good for them and good for me too!

I had a follow up visit with the orthopedic doctor this past week as well. Time to check in on my hand situation, my brace, all that good shit. So what happened? I still have neuropathy, no surprise there given that its ben going on for almost 2 months now. He thinks I do have carpal tunnel and is sending me for an EMG to find out more. With his suspicions, he has given me 3 options. Option 1: Occupational therapy, which won't work because my insurance benefit is maxed out. Option 2: A steroid shot. Nope, not approved by my oncologist. I asked the other day when I was there. Option 3: Surgery. I immediately said no thanks, because I already have enough surgeries scheduled for this year. He also mentioned the brace is doing me some good for what they have been treating me for which was tendonitis, but it also hinders other things. So I can't win in this situation I guess. I will take it one day at a time and go from there.

Let it grow, let it grow...........my hair that is. It is growing like a god damn weed. I am not complaining, so dont misunderstand that. It is in such an awkward stage though, so I have wings all the time. Ha. Today I went out to walk the dogs, with my hair just doing it's thing. I thought about it for a quick minute, and then thought, who gives a fuck? If anything, I can only hope it'll make people not want to talk to me. Perfect. Let me just get to my shit, walk my dogs and mind my own business. I am not antisocial, but some days, I just don't want to be chatty.

Let's see what's in store for me next. Who knows, but I am optimistic it'll all be good stuff! So until then, stay awesome!

My hair....I love it! But the rest of it wants to be all weird. Whatever. I am not shaving the sides because then it'll never grow, so, ya, no.

Photo taken 02.22.2023

Are You Ready For Some...........Updates?

Update time, again, and so soon already?!? Maybe it's been longer than I think. Time always seems to get away from me. So many fucking appointments, jesus, I feel like I need a god damn personal assistant to keep my shit straight and go run my bullshit errands.

PT has resumed. Ouch. I wasn't at PT for 2 weeks due to the great Texas storm of 2023. Fucking ice storms. What an inconvenience, because you cannot drive in that shit. Was the break nice? Of course, not having to drive there several times a week was a nice change of pace. But the way my body feels, and felt once I resumed this past week, holy shit. I have never told my physical therapist flat out that I couldn't do something. I will always give it a good college try. This week, I almost muttered those words. I pushed through and did the best I could, but my body definitely recognized the break. I only have 2 weeks of PT left, and then my insurance benefit is exhausted. I hope I am ready in all the facets, and we shall see. I cannot continue going without insurance. I just got my EOB's since I started PT; they bill $500 per visit for just PT. If there is an evaluation, it's about $1,200 per visit. Nope. Not doing it. With YouTube and all that great shit these days, plus the home exercises I have, I will figure shit out.

My neck, my back (are you singing the song?). No. My fucking arm. I think I have figured out (finally), why my upper right arm has been bothering me. For a long time it's baffled me, then bam! It hit me, just like that. I am certain it is the way I am sleeping on it. Given that I have been a stomach sleeper my entire life, then I couldn't when I had my double mastectomy, and now I am back to it, but it is not the same. I just can't sleep in the same position  like I used to. And sleeping the way I do is fucking up my arm. I need to figure out how to counteract that.

Orthopedic doc said what?!? So the last time I updated this, I was just getting ready to go to the orthopedic doc. For now, I am being treated for tendonitis. I have this ridiculous brace (almost like an air cast) that I have to wear as many hours a day as possible. It keeps my wrist stable as well as my thumb. I can't do anything when I wear it, hence the annoyance. Despite that, it has been helping along with the antiinflammatory they prescribed. I go for a follow up in about 10 days or so, so let's see what they have to say then.

Fucking Medical Bills. I am sick of these god damn things. Seriously. Tired of them, but they keep coming. And they will continue to come. I received a $700 bill  the other day, knowing I have another $2K bill coming on top of that. Fuck me. FML right now.

Colonoscopy results are in! I received my pathology report. One polyp identified and removed; it is precancerous, but benign. Perfect. Because I am not all about any more cancer bullshit. I don't have the time nor the energy to go through cancer treatments anymore. Hell I haven't even finished breast cancer treatments yet. Get your shit (no pun intended) checked. Mammograms, physicals, colonoscopies, pap smears. Whatever the fuck it is you are supposed to do, just do it. Don't put it off. It could literally save your life. I am living proof of that.

WTF is with adulting anyways? I am over this shit. I remember when I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up, be an adult, not have the same bullshit rules I had when I was growing up, having the freedom to do what I want, when I want. Ya, that shit is overrated. Seriously overrated. I have done so much fucking adulting lately. I need a break. I think I would lose my god damn mind if I was working too, this shit is just too much some days.

I'm breaking out like a teenager as if I use butter as moisturizer on my face. What?!? I am 45 years old. Should I have a dozen pimples on my face? Fuck no, but I do. I have no period, and haven't in over three years due to my partial hysterectomy, so I have no clue whats causing them all of the sudden. Christ. I don't ever wear makeup, so that's not the cause. Maybe there's bacon grease mixed in with my moisturizer? Ha. No, there isn't, but my face is telling another story right now. I need to get this shit under control!

Finally, to wrap this up. I am having fun with my hair! It is maybe 2.5" long, so there isn't much length wise. Enough to cover my head for sure, and it's growing in so thick, but I just discovered the other day that it's long enough for a flat iron! Wow. I was surprised. Pleasantly surprised. So here are some pics of my hair from this week. Check out the curls. I am so over them.......

I love, love, love the spiky hair. It's feisty, like me!

Who would have thought a headband would be so complimentary? And yes, it's pink, my favorite color!

Damn with the curls. I was hoping for dark, straight hair. Of course, that's not at all what I have right now, but I am optimistic after I have done some reading that it may change 😊

Holy Shit! Mind Blown!!

Interesting day of sorts, and I felt I should share those few things. Because, why not? It is all part of the journey I am on, and I am here to share.

First things first. I had another chemo infusion today. I was so tired because I have been having a lot of issues falling asleep for some reason. Chemo was uneventful, and I was able to sneak a cat nap in, which was much needed, and I feel will help me push through the rest of my day. Yahoo!

Secondly, I finally received my compression pump. I feel like I have been waiting on this thing forever, especially since it was ordered in December! Wow. I suppose things are taking more time than normal these days, and this is just one of them. I got the tutorial on how it works, and it'll be nice to have this instead of manually massaging my lymphatic system. Score!

Third and final, I think. This is a big one. I will start with, for the betterment of yourself, your family, friends and other loved ones, don't get cancer. Not only does it suck and change your life, flipping it upside down, but it is expensive, makes you feel all kinds of ways, and treatment kind of brings your life to a halt because everything revolves around your treatment. Of course, there is way more to it, but those are the key points. I received a ton of emails saying all these claims had been finalized, so I went to check it out (because I have never received notification about any of my claims before). Yes, there were about 10, and all but one were from January 2023. Jesus, that many already.........shit.

I am going to put some shit into perspective for you.

• Insurance billed to date (since mammogram on 12.18.2021): $893,550.78
• Total plan discounts and payments: $878,733.30 (I am not sure why these categories would be marked one in the same because they are two completely different things)
• My portion to pay: $12,973.77

The figures above include my double mastectomy. That surgery alone billed my insurance company $373,894.22. Like what the fuck is my reconstructive surgery going to cost? It is unreal to think these numbers are legit. but I can assure you, they are very real. I am almost at the $1M already and I am not even close to being done. Yikes! And each chemo infusion bills my insurance for $27,707! With a price tag like that, this shit should give me eternal life, super powers, or fuck, how about a happy ending? LOL (I am kidding about the happy ending). 

In the end, all the costs involved and associated with having cancer is astronomical, yes; however, getting treatment and having surgery, I am cancer free, so that is priceless. 

This is me, today. Wild and crazy hair!!! It has been an interesting week with ice storms. It finally warmed up today but it was cold when I left the house this morning, and I was wearing a beanie. Then it warmed up, and off it came! And so, I just continue to let my hair do it's thing, and not a care in the world about what anyone else thinks about it. I'll do me. As always.

Where Has The Time Gone?

I just realized I have been in this whole thing for over a year! Wow, time really has flown. Minutes turn into hours that turn into days, weeks and months, oh so quickly. More quickly than I realized, until now. So here a look at where I've been and how far I've come.

• 12.18.2021 - Annual mammogram appointment
• 01.11.2022 - Ultrasound on right breast as a result of my mammogram
• 01.25.2022 - Biopsy on right breast after ultrasound
• 01.26.2022 - Received official breast cancer diagnosis
• 02.01.2022 - Met with my breast surgeon, Dr. Anglin for the first time
• 02.10.2022 - MRI on my breast to determine exact size of tumor
• 02.16.2022 - Met with Dr. Anglin; recommended a double mastectomy after she received the results of my genetic screening which showed I have the BRCA1 gene
• 02.21.2022 - Appointment with my first plastic surgeon, Dr. Nguyen, and first photoshoot to capture me, as is, before all my changes that are to come
• 02.22.2022 - Had MediPort surgically implanted just under my left collar bone (this is used to infuse my chemo drugs)
• 02.25.2022 - Met with second plastic surgeon (nope, not going with this guy!!)
• 03.01.2022 - Chemo teach class at oncology center & CT scan
• 03.06.2022 - Another photoshoot, just before chemo starts
• 03.07.2022 - My first chemo treatment, and my bestie by my side for support 😌
• 06.02.2022 - Met with OBGYN oncologist to discuss my hysterectomy, which will come after my reconstructive surgery
• 08.08.2022 - The last of my weekly chemo infusions, thankfully. I rang the bell!!
• 08.15.2022 - Pre-op appointment with Dr. Nguyen, my plastic surgeon, as I prepared for my upcoming double mastectomy surgery
• 09.07.2022 - Pre-op appointment with Dr. Anglin, my breast surgeon, as I prepared for my upcoming double mastectomy surgery
• 09.23.2022 - Double mastectomy surgery, and it went very well, again, having my bestie at my side 😌
• 09.29.2022 - I received the call I was hoping for, my cancer is gone!!! 💖💖
• 10.03.2022 - Post-op appointment with Dr. Nguyen, my plastic surgeon. Everything looked great! No more surgical bra needed (I had been wearing it since the day of surgery), and no more bras, period. 💞
• 10.05.2022 -Post-op appointment with Dr. Anglin, my breast surgeon. Looking good!
• 10.07.2022 - Met with my oncologist, Dr. Taboada; although pathology was great, he recommended another 9 rounds of Keytruda
• 10.17.2022 - Drains are out, FINALLY! I hated those mother fuckers
• 10.21.2022 - Started back on chemo (Keytruda), 1 of 9 rounds down
• 12.01.2022 - Started physical therapy due to the side effects from my chemo treatments
• 01.03.2023 - Lymphedema check at Dr. Anglin's office
• 01.26.2023 - One year since I received my cancer diagnosis, as I am here, in remission. Also, Thor's 12th birthday! The OG doggy!

Damn, a little over a year in review, and although every single chemo infusion and physical therapy appointment isn't listed, I sure have been busy, and will continue to be busy. 

Thor, lounging like he loves to do. And yes, he needs a haircut; but he is cold blooded, so I will wait for it to get a bit warmer before I make him cute for all the ladies again!

What's New In This New Year?

What's new? And what's not? Oh so much!

Chemo is still going, which is great. White blood cells are really good, and way sooner than anticipated, so even better. Physical therapy is still a thing, and that is going so so so well! I am really on the mend. My hair is still growing, and like a weed I may add. It's now 2" long! Wow! It's fucking out of control actually. It just does what it wants when it wants, and I just go with it. Why fight it? Lol. I don't care. Some days it's so comical, and I don't care what anyone thinks.

What else? As if I don't have enough shit to deal with just with treatment alone, because that in itself is just a beast, I got laid off from work last week. Like fucking great. I was back for three weeks only for them to say Bye Felicia. WTF? So I can handle this one of two ways. Dwell on it and let it drag me down (which by now you all know that is NEVER going to happen), or look at it that it's for the best, and this allows me now not to be stressed with work on top of everything else, and just focus on myself and my treatment. Getting stronger and preparing for what's ahead. I'll take the latter. 

Anything else you wonder? Hmmm, yes. This neuropathy thing is getting fucking ridiculous. Like seriously ridiculous. My right hand only still, which is my dominant hand, has it all going on. Pinky, nothing, no neuropathy, however, the rest of my fingers, including my thumb, has gotten worse. Jesus. I spoke with my oncologist about it because I thought it had everything to do with my chemo treatments. Nope, I was wrong. He said the chemo meds I am on do not cause neuropathy. Surprise. Wow. I was not expecting to hear that. He suggested I see a hand doctor, and so I will be doing that. Tomorrow actually. Let's see what they have to say. It's suspected that it could be carpel tunnel, but I am not gong to sit here and play this guessing game. I will leave it to the experts.

Has 2023 started off with a bang? Yes, kind of, and not in all the banging kind of ways I wish it was, but, it is what it is. I know I could have it better as some do, but in reality, I know I could have it so much worse than I do, as others do. I am grateful for what I have, and as much as I have a can do attitude and I am going to kick cancer's ass attitude, I know I am lucky, and therefore I am thankful. 

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year! Welcoming 2023 and hoping it is a much better year for me, and all of us, if 2022 was a shit show for anyone other than myself.

So how did 2023 start? With things, many things. The first being I finally started back to work, 6am on New Years Day. Happy fucking new year. It is what it is. It is nice to have a sense of normalcy that way. I mean I am 2.5 days in, so I am not about to try and jump for joy. Not yet. Those first few days of starting back and getting into the swing of things, including waking up at 530am (for those of you who know me well, you know I am NOT a morning person, so fuck me with getting up when it's dark outside), were mentally and physically exhausting. That's a good thing so far though.

What else? Still doing physical therapy three times a week, and getting stronger every time. I still have my struggles but I feel like I am really making a ton of progress and couldn't be happier with that. I know where I still have weakness, and I am working on strengthening my entire body so I can get back to where I was. The little bit of exercise I am doing to get stronger really makes me wish I could get in the gym and hit it hard. Really build my muscles back up, but I need to be realistic, of course.

My hair.......holy shit. It is now growing like a weed! I think it's around 2" long now. Fucking awesome, right? Yes, and no, because I am starting that awkward stage now. You know where you have wings everywhere, you totally have bed head every morning, and the rest of the day you hair just does what it wants. I literally dont give a fuck. Sometimes when I get out of the shower, I towel dry it and let it dry however it wants. Yesterday, that meant it looked like I stuck my finger in an outlet. LOL. I am sure when I was out and about, people noticed. Ha. Who cares. My physical therapist said she liked the look and noticed immediately. I would have looked like a junior Albert Einstein if my hair was white. I'll take it.

So I have noticed something......and I don't know what to think exactly. I am unsure. I haven't shaved under my arms in a long, long time. I did a few times because my hair grew back and now, nothing again. Seems so strange. I am not complaining, oh no, because fuck shaving. I like that I don't have any hair under my arms again. My leg hair has gotten sparse again too. Even better. I'm going to hold out hoping that after the next time I shave my legs, it's the last. If only I cold get so lucky! It may or may not have anything to do with my current chemo treatment. Honestly I don't give enough fucks to look into it or research it. These are just my observations right now.

In my shittier world, I have developed neuropathy. I thought I coasted past this months ago when I was on the Red Devil chemo. That's when it is likely to appear. I experienced that differently than most (based on what I have read and in talking with others who have it), and I thought it was long gone and way behind me. Wrong. Fuck me. I am right handed. Where am I experiencing my neuropathy? My right thumb, index, middle and ring fingertips. Like go fucking figure. Could it have been on my left hand? No, of course not. Why make my life any easier? It's weird. I constantly have a tingling feeling on those fingertips I mentioned, and it never goes away. Sometimes it gets worse. Sometimes from the tips of my fingers to the second knuckle down, my fingers are all numb. It keep me on my toes, lol, because I have to be focused on the things I touch, pick up, move, etc., to make sure I have a firm grip. It's weirder than most things day to day.

Lots of positives, one annoyance. Not a horrible start to 2023. Let's hope things are going to continue to get better every day!

Hair everywhere!!! 

The What's What Of Wrapping Up 2022

As 2022 is drawing to a close, here's what's going on now, hoping for a better 2023. Not only for me, but everyone because this year, quit frankly, has just sucked a big, hairy dick.

I am still doing physical therapy three times per week. It has been so helpful in the short amount of time I have been attending; I really cannot believe it! I've never done PT ever, so maybe I thought it would take a lot longer to see the results, like when you go to the gym, but apparently I was wrong, which has been great. I have a whole regiment of at home exercises to do too, including self massage of my right arm due to lymphedema. It's all precautionary and maintenance, so I don't get it. Cause ya, fuck that. No thank you.

What else is new? I had another dose of chemo yesterday. Went well as normal. I got the results of the CAT scan I did last week, from my shoulders to my pelvis, all clear! Hooray, such great news. Honestly it is exactly what my doctor and I both expected, but hey, you never know. I mean shit, I was doing my annual mammogram when my breast cancer was found. Who would have ever thought? But here I am living this fucked up journey.

How have I been feeling? Fucking tired. All the time. Ugh, back to this shit again. I have been taking naps here and there, but not every day. I am just worn out. The days I get 12-13 hours of sleep, those are the days I wake up and feel like I have the energy to actually get shit done around the house. But as you can guess, I don't get 12-13 hours of sleep every night. Bummer. I think going to PT three times a week then chemo, I am just out and about more than I have been since before this all started and it's just wearing me down. I haven't even started back to work yet (another story for another time), and when I do, I am guessing I will just be that much more exhausted. I am looking forward to it and not, all at the same time. I don't want to be any more exhausted than I already am, but I want my life to have that sense of normalcy. Ya, that would be great. (Thanks Mr. Lumbergh).

In other news, I got fitted for compression garments. Like WTF are these? I almost feel like I am not old enough to know what the fuck these are, but guess what? I do now. My PT recommends I wear them all day, every day. They will help with potential and noticeable swelling. I got fitted for my right arm (where the lymphedema is likely to occur), and then for both legs because my ankles have been swelling randomly?!? I dont even know WTF is up with that. So I wore them the day I got them, then took a day off, then wore them. They are uncomfortable. Allegedly it gets easier as time goes on, and maybe I'll get used to them, but I would rather just not have to wear them at all!

My hair continues to grow. I was FaceTiming with my son today, and he said, wow, your hair is all over. Fact. Ya. I said it's a bit out of control now that it's growing, it just does it's own thing. And my head is still cold at times.........I am waiting for my hair to get longer so this is a thing of the past. I don't mind wearing a beanie or hat or whatever, but I think it's just extra when I do that when I go to bed 😒

So out the door with 2022, and like my new hoodie says..............

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Yes, for every two steps forward, there are times I feel like I take yet another step back. I know this is an uphill battle, but damn. Sometimes I think I am glad I'm 45, still young enough I can do this and have the energy and strength to fight this battle [for the most part]; other times I feel old, like my body is worn down and it makes me wonder if I can really do this.

I have finally started physical therapy. Yippee! It took so long to coordinate that shit. Ya, no rush, take your sweet ass time. My legs feel like marshmallows all the time, but that's cool. No, it's fucking not. The lack of giving any fucks these days to do the job people get paid to do is astonishing. Anyways, physical therapy is going great. Yesterday I really felt the burn. Wow. But on the flip side, my muscles are not sore today. I wasn't sure what I should be expecting. At the end of the day with physical therapy, I just want it to be beneficial to me and get me back to where I was so my body doesn't feel as weak.

I did another round of chemo this past Friday and met with my oncologist. He is happy with where my levels are. Woohoo! I did ask him about doing a full body scan to check and make sure there isn't cancer anywhere else. He agreed and ordered this. That should be scheduled soon. He also mentioned there is nothing in my blood work anywhere that indicates I may have cancer anywhere else but he understands for my peace of mind and making sure. Great! I am really glad he takes the time to listen and understand where I am at in all of this. Chemo itself was easy. One poke in my port, and the fluids were going. I have been paying more attention to the time after; the following several days after chemo because I am trying to pinpoint any side effects. I am certainly more tired, just like when I initially started chemo treatments. That is very noticeable to me. I want to sleep for way longer than I think I should, and most days, I just sleep as much as my body requires, but this will not last. Between chemo treatments, I am doing PT three times a week right now, so I feel like I am constantly on the go. I should have been back to work already, but I guess they still can't "fit me in", so I am still waiting. Once I go back to work though, have PT and chemo, christ, it's going to be overwhelming I suspect. But one thing at a time. I don't want to put the cart before the horse.

So my hair is growing back. Not super fast or anything like that, but damn, it's coming in thick!! Nice. Yesterday I got up and showered before PT. Towel dried it when I got out and it was sticking up everywhere. I decided to leave it. LOL. I know it's going into the awkward stage, so it may look funky a lot. It is what it is. It's nice to have hair again!

Hair everywhere and I don't care. Then there's my mad scientist eyebrows........lol.

Things I Didn't Know Until I Knew

How many things did I think I didn't know until I knew them in this journey? All of them. That's how many. And that's a lot. I still learn new things every day, experiences different things, and as a result, sometimes my course of action changes along with those.

Here's what I didn't know until I found out on my own:

1. After all my hair fell out (with the exception of those few that were mighty and determined that stayed), I didn't know I would fall into the "unknown or unsure" gender category. I am serious. I was out in public many times, and felt people staring at me. It was awkward. Despite wearing a dress or skirt, wearing jewelry, and wearing sandals (that only girls would wear), I still got looks and was pointed at many times over. I am not being paranoid. The biggest tell from most people was when I went into a public bathroom. I got the look "is that the right bathroom for you?" Wow. People are fucking ignorant.

2. Chemo treatment is not pleasant, nice or forgiving. It's that simple. What I didn't know is that this would throw me into menopause (in a way) and with this would come some severe hot flashes. Hot flashes like my fucking body feels like it is practically on fire. Let me go run outside nude, and dive in the snow (which we don't have here). Since I started back with Keytruda, these hot flashes have fired back up (pun intended).  This past week, the weather suddenly changed and it got cold, quick. Cold for Texas anyways. The last 2 nights, it dipped down in the 20's overnight. Over the past week, I have been sleeping with my bedroom windows open all the way. One may think that's crazy. Not only that, but the ceiling fan is running full force as well as the stand fan on the floor, and I am sleeping nude. Can you believe I am still hot? Like WTF?!? And my blanket situation is minimal to non existent. It is just fucking ridiculous.

3. Did you know your skin changes because of chemo? Fucking chemo changes everything. Your skin "thins out" so to speak. I don't mean my skin is falling off or see through or anything that just sounds fucking stupid. Sex is very uncomfortable. A bit painful. It sucks basically. I didn't know I should expect that. Chemo just sucks the joy out of anywhere and everywhere it can.

4. No offense to my readers, but people are fucking stupid, ignorant and oblivious. With that being said, you dont know what you don't know, like all of these things I am talking about. This goes for everyone else too, however, I feel like if you cannot speak intelligently on a subject, don't say anything. Save yourself from looking like a complete moron. So the comments I have gotten more times than I can count and the one that irritates me the most (since I've had my double mastectomy) is "well at least you are almost done now". The fuck I am. That statement couldn't be farther from the truth. What a kick in the gut for you to assume I am almost done. That was part 2, out of what feels like 435 parts. Realistically not that many, but I am not even 50% of the way through all this bullshit. So when you are making dinner and it's only half done, well it's almost done, right? No, no it fucking isn't, you idiot. Would you eat your chicken cooked at 50%? No, not unless you want a side of salmonella with that shit.

5. I have hair, although it is short, it's still there. Yahoo! No more questioning my gender. At least I think that part is over. I haven't noticed any more stares so that's great. What I didn't know about having short hair (because I have never had hair this short), was that my head would get cold. Consider this; I lost my hair completely on March 30th, and by that time here in Texas, it is summer like weather. I went through the blazing hot summer with my head sweating. Then, in the last week, the temperatures have dropped so much, and we are having true winter like temps. I find myself putting on some kind of hat, chemo cap, head scarf, something, because my head gets chilly. (Funny because my body being on fire, you think that would go to my head.........lol).

6. What I didn't know that I feel causes me the most concern is the lack of being able to just bounce back, sleep it off and just overall feel "normal". I still have restrictions. Not restrictions where my doctor tells me not to do this or that, but my body letting me know I am pushing it, or shouldn't be trying to do what I am doing. The nerve disruptions I am experiencing due to my surgery and my nerves being cut and having to wait for them to "wake up". How my nerves feel as they are waking up and how that impacts my movements. I just keep waiting, and things are getting better, but jesus christ, it is so SLOW. So fucking slow. With these things being said, it makes me wonder why people electively have plastic surgery? Like why would you fucking torture yourself like that? Nope, no thanks, not for me. 

I wonder what else I don't know, to a point, but guess what? I am going to find out.

Let's Get Physical

Let's get physical, I want to get physical. Do you hear that song now? I do. But perhaps the statement in itself has you thinking something dirty? Maybe I can finally have sex or want to? No, that is not what I am talking about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWz9VN40nCA

I went for my second dose of Keytruda yesterday. Met with my oncologist. It was good to see him because I had some concerns as I have mentioned previously. He asked how I am feeling and I told him I was tired and have not been sleeping too well. I also told him I suspected I haven't been sleeping well because of my mastectomy. H didn't agree or disagree. I then told him about my muscle weakness. He said this isn't unusual and I may not have felt it before because the steroids counteracted that. Ok, I can buy that. But now, not having steroids, may be exactly why I am feeling it. Alright. He did not hesitate to mention that physical therapy is an option. I immediately jumped on board with that. Whatever I can do to help myself is exactly what I am going to do. He recommends three times per week.

I am going from being laid up and relaxed most of the time to a super busy woman. Not only am I getting ready to go back to work finally, but then I will have my infusions and physical therapy. Yikes! In reality, it's all for the greater good, so let's do it!

The Floor Is Lava

Do you know the game? The floor is lava? I played it when I was a kid with my brother. Who would have thought I may be playing again as an adult, but in a different aspect. Let me elaborate.

I am not one to read the side effects of any prescriptions I take. I just feel like if I did, I would have them all, or at least many of them. This also has carried with me with these chemo meds. The ones I was taking before, and the one I am taking now.

I have been more tired than usual. I didn't really think much about it. I am having a hard time getting comfortable, I am suppose to be sleeping on my back, etc. These things just make for a poor nights sleep, thus leading me to believe that's why I am tired. Makes sense. I just left it at that and went on with my days.

About a week and a half ago or so, I noticed when I got up, whether it be from the couch, chair, out of the car, or wherever I was sitting, that my legs are really weak. Strange. I have never experienced anything like this other than when I work them too hard or participated in an activity I wasn't used to. This is not the case right now, because I cannot function like I used to, especially with still healing from surgery. So what gives? I didn't know, but put more thought into it, because every time I get up, I walk like a little old lady, walking slow and clearly visible that my legs are weak. 

This gets me to thinking on more than one level. What if whatever is going on with my legs is permanent? I cannot have weak legs like this for the rest of my life. That would be horrible. Then I think it's just part of me healing because I am resting more trying to recover, therefore not using my leg muscles as much as I usually do, and maybe my muscles just need more activity. I don't know what it is, but I am also not trying to consume myself with overthinking this either.

So this is what I decided to do. I looked up "Are weakened muscles a side effect of Keytruda?" The answer? Yes. Weak and/or painful muscles is a common side effect. So I think I have my answer and what is causing this. Good or no? I don't know.

Here's my next thought. I will be taking Keytruda (which I just learned is also a chemo drug; this baffled me because I already went through chemo, but did take Keytruda then too) through April 2023. Holy shit. That means I have another 6 months of this shit. Christ that's a long fucking time, especially if I have this side effect. I am going to talk to my doctor and see if there is something I can do to counteract this. Exercising seems to be the logical thought on this, however, as I have been going through this journey, what would seem to be the most common sense answer isn't always the case, and really almost never is. Perhaps walking, taking walks that is, is the answer. 

I feel like having weak legs, weak muscles in my legs or whatever is going on, I would think I may have to "rehab" them later, to build back my strength. I suppose with this, time will tell.

Just when you think you know what's in front of you and what is coming next, this battle says, ya, sit the fuck down, you don't know shit; and this, the floor is like lava for me. At this point, I would melt.

Here's Some Random Misc Shit For Your Reading Pleasure

Random Shit? Yes, that is what this is all going to be about. Shit I am currently going through, have gone through and may face in the future. Things I likely didn't think to jot down along during my journey, so here goes.....

Shaving. I finally had to shave under my arms this week. What a bummer. I have shaved my legs a few times over the past few weeks. That's an even bigger bummer. I can assure everyone, I did NOT miss shaving at all, but now all my hair is growing back. Some is for the good, and some is just a nuisance. The hair on my head has been growing back for almost 4 months. It is growing so slow. But let's look at the upside of this. Not only is the hair on my had growing back, but it is growing back a dirty blond. I don't think I expected that given my age, but hell ya! I'll take that over gray (even though those fuckers, the few I had before chemo and cancer and all this shit), have decided to return. Ha. Fuck it, whatever, I have hair! My eyebrows, yes, they are growing back too. Cool, if I want to walk around looking like a mad scientist. Because that's what I look like, and it has nothing to do with Halloween. Lol. So either you see the platinum blond eyebrows looking like a mad scientist, or you don't see them at all. And not only that, but it appears my left eyebrow is thicker and fuller than my right one. How odd. And I have my eyelashes back too. Cool. Not that I missed them. I never wear makeup. Enough about hair already. Perhaps I was making up for lost time since I had no hair to talk about for months. Ha.

Sleep. Let's talk about this. It's up and down. It's like a love/hate relationship. I swear. One night I will sleep like shit, and then another and so on. Then I sleep like a rock. So either my body is just exhausted, or I was actually able to sleep for a change. I bought a maternity pillow this week. What a game changer. This thing is so comfortable and soft, it feels like I am snuggling with a cloud. I love it. Something about being able to snuggle with this pillow also helps with my expanders, them moving and me being able to get comfortable, and laying on my side. Yes, I have been sleeping on my side!!! What a game changer. It is still so weird and uncomfortable, even after 5 weeks to try and sleep on my back. It just isn't natural for me. 

Nerve pain. It blows. I've noticed a few things over the last several weeks and didn't know what to make of it. One of my dogs would step on me and it felt like their little paws were digging in more than usual. My dogs weigh 6 - 11 pounds, so they are small, and I normally don't feel that way. Then I started noticing more and more, with other things and any kind of resistance against by body. Then a quick shooting/stabbing pain. I was finally like WTF is this and what is going on? Oh ya, those are my nerves throughout my body just fucking with me. OMG. Surgery and chemo can really reek havoc on your body, even months after the fact. Christ. I had no idea, but now I get to live with that shit. I hope it's temporary and goes away over time, and I am glad it isn't constant.

Scratching and not scratching the itch. So you get an itch, you scratch it, and then on to the next thing. Who ever thinks about it for more than it is? No one, that's who. But wait, now I will sound like the crazy lady because I cannot scratch the itch. I mean I can, but it does me no good. For the most part, my chest is still almost completely numb. Same with my right armpit. Is that weird? It feels weird. Really weird. I go to put deodorant on, and look in the mirror as I am applying it, yet I cannot feel it. Strange. The other day I went to grab something, and something else fell hitting me in the chest. I felt nothing. Super strange. So here's the most fucked up part. I get an itch in one of these areas, so naturally I go to scratch it. Shouldn't bother. Although the itch is there, I can't feel the scratching, and therefore, that itch really never gets satisfied. Can you imagine? I keep trying until it just goes away. WTH?!?

Expanders. Fuck these things. I have a friend who also has breast cancer and she agrees. They are almost the worst things ever. Do you know how strange it is to feel a foreign object moving inside your body? I am guessing not. I will tell you, it's not cool. Not cool at all. Not only do I feel them moving, but they are rock hard, and I am guessing this is the way it is going to be until I get them out. Fortunately they don't move all the time, but when they do, it sucks. FML sometimes.

Healing. I am healing still. It is going well. I still have my limitations, and I mostly notice them when I go to do something, and my body says, ya fucking right. You aren't doing this. And that's it. So depending on what it is, I ask for help or say fuck it. Or I get the step stool. That mother fucker has gotten more use in the last few weeks than not. My legs seem weaker than usual too, but apparently this is just part of my healing process. I feel like an old fucking woman in terms of my body and how resistance it is with EVERYTHING right now. Ugh. It's annoying. I can't wait to get back to normal. 

Until next time..........

Damn, look at all that hair!!!

(The hair that is naturally always in fohawk mode for whatever reason. That is just how it is growing back. Interesting.)

Fuck what? These Expanders. That's What.

So I am just over 4 weeks post op now. Feeling better every day, no doubt. Seems like a noticeable difference. Terrific! My right arm is still sore, and when I extend it out, I am reminded that I am not back to 100% yet. Drains are out. They came out 8 days ago. I started healing even quicker. Yahoo! 

The drains being removed. After 3.5 weeks. FINALLY! What can I say about that? I found out they were stitched in on the side of my body. Weird. The left one, no pain when it was removed. The right one. Fuck me. It felt like someone was pulling on the drain tube with the stitch still in my body. WTF?!? Fortunately for me, it was a quick process. Thank god that is over, for now. More to come later on with these fucking things. 

My boobs are rock hard. I mean ROCK hard. OMG. It's weird. Uncomfortable. Tight. It feels like I have a wired bra on that is way too small ALL THE TIME! I don't even know what else to say. On the flip side, my boobs are as perky as they have been in so many years, and I don't ever have to wear a bra which is great! I literally throw a shirt on, and done. It's honestly so fabulous in that aspect.

Sleeping is a fucking nightmare. I was told I need to sleep on my back. Ya, I get it. I had all my breast tissue removed, expanders placed, and then was stitched up, plus I had my drains........so it all makes sense, right? So here I am thinking that the 2-3 month window they gave me to sleep on my back was just a little exaggerated perhaps. I really thought once my drains were out, I would naturally be more comfortable, and maybe I can start sleeping on my side. I didn't figure at this point I would be ready to sleep on my stomach. Sleeping on my side? Nope. Not happening. I thought maybe sleeping on the couch, so I have a support for my back against the back of it may be better, and it is, over a flat mattress. When I try laying on my side, either side, I feel my expanders move. It is a gross feeling. My expanders will slightly fall to the side I am laying on. Thanks gravity. So one pushes the other and it just sucks. When I've tried laying on side, I have to have the opposite shoulder back, which then leads to my back being in an awkward position, and then it starts hurting. So I play round 416 of the night trying to lay a different way. Some days I seriously wonder how I function with the little sleep I am getting.

What else? I have a big one. So I started my keytruda again last Friday. Great, let's get this finished, although I will be on this through the end of April 2023. When I went to have my drains removed last week, I completely forgot to mention this to my plastic surgeon. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I have found that it is best that I tell every doctor what is going on with another doctor. It is in my best interest, and I have a lot going on. Anyways, I sent an email to my PS, and thankfully I did. I spoke with his FA in the office. She has spoken with my plastic surgeon and he said I cannot have my reconstructive surgery until after I am done with my keytruda. It's risky is what he said. I like taking risks, but not in this case. Nope. Not happening. So the soonest she said they can do the reconstruction is June 2023. Holy shit. Seriously next summer? Jesus christ. I actually have it scheduled for August 2023. Shit. These fucking expanders are going to be in for another 10 months. FML.

2 Weeks Post-Op and 3 Doctor Appointments Later

Here I am, 2 weeks post op and 3 doctors appointments later. It really has been a busy week. 

Let's start with where I am and how I feel. I am in no pain, however, I am sore. My chest almost feels like a pulled muscle. Strange place to feel that way, but it's the best way I can describe it. Full movement in my left arm with seemingly no restrictions. Does that seem weird that I added that? It won't in a minute. Right arm is still sore, and I can only lift it, when bent, just over my shoulder. My underarm is still very very sore. This is due to the lymph nodes my breast surgeon removed. I still cannot shower or take a bath because I still have my drains. That super sucks, but I am managing, and pretty well actually. I have found some good work arounds. This way I don't have to walk around stinky!!! I still cannot lift anything with any kind of weight, but I think that's to be expected.

What doctors appoints did I go to this week? These were all for follow up appointments. 

Monday - Follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon. He says everything looks great, I am healing well, my drains will be in for another 2 weeks, and told me how great I did in surgery. He said I have great skin, and for that reason, he filled up my expanders half way during surgery. Awesome. (So this explains why I woke up with boobs after surgery, which I didn't know until my appointment this week). He also filled up my expanders the rest of the way. So he says, try your boobs out, see how you like them, and then we will go from there. Excellent. Jury is still out on the size of my boobs. I am really having a hard time deciding if I like the size or not. My "new boobs" are so perky, and they are so different from my OG boobs, I don't know if I should leave them or not. Reconstructive surgery is currently scheduled for the end of January 2023.

Wednesday - Follow up appointment with my breast surgeon. Same conclusion as my plastic surgeon. I am healing well and look great. She went over my pathology results in more detail and gave me the official reports. No more mammograms from here on out, and all I have to do is come into her office every 6 months for 2 years, then annually after that for a breast exam to make sure there are no lumps, etc. So a manual breast exam. The reason I don't have to do mammograms is because I don't have any more breast tissue. Radiation will not be necessary. Thank God! Next appointment is in January.

Friday - Follow up with my oncologist. No radiation is needed. He said I knocked it out of the park with how well I responded to chemo. (Hell ya I did, I am a fucking badass........and I have a bracelet that says the same, which was a gift I received while going through chemo, thank you MAJOR!!!!) He did suggest 9 more rounds of Keytruda, which was a medication I was taking also when I was going through chemo. Taking this after BEATING CANCER'S ASS, increases the chances of any kind of cancer NOT returning by 94%. I like that number. I only have to go once every three weeks, so that's not bad at all, however, if I go every treatment on time, as scheduled, I won't finish this until the end of March 2023. That seems like forever away from now. It'll be here before I know it, I'm sure.

What's next? Drains are going to be coming out in 9 days. Thank god. Sounds like a normal shower will be coming my way. And just healing for now, because it is going to take time. I don't know how much, but I suspect about another 4-10 weeks. I went to three doctors appointments and forgot to ask all of them what to expect for healing time. Really? Go fucking figure. I will find out, because inquiring minds want to know.

What's That Cancer? Go Fuck Yourself!

Here I am, I am back...........and CANCER FREE!!! What?!? The best news I have received this year I think. WooHoo!

Let me back up a minute here since I jumped right to the best part. I had my surgery a week ago on September 23, 2022. Double mastectomy. Boobs are gone. Nipples are gone. Great part is, I am not flat chested because I have expanders in, so even after a double mastectomy, I still have bigger boobs than some. LOL. (No offense small chested ladies, you are lucky, it's just easier).

I will have these expanders in until my next surgery which should be in about 3 months. The expanders are basically a place holder for my reconstructive surgery. This way, later on they won't have to try and make room for new boobs. 

Are you wondering how I am feeling? Seriously, I feel great. I didn't think I would feel as good as I do, not by any means. I stayed overnight in the hospital for one night, and I was on my way home the day after surgery. I can't drive for 3 weeks which absolutely sucks. I have 3 follow up appointments next week, that I have to try and figure out transportation for. Not impossible, but something I am not used to. Lucky for me, my bestie flew in the day before my surgery and stayed with me for 5 days while I have been recovering. Then another great friend of mine took over and is still here with me. Fantastic. I am glad they both volunteered to come take care of me. Super nice of both of them.

I was told to rest, naturally, as my body is healing from surgery. I get it. The worst part of all of this? 100% no bullshit. Trying to get used to sleeping elevated, and on my back. I have been a stomach sleeper my entire life, and now, never again likely. Super sucks. 

I am walking around just fine and exceeding the expectation of my doctors so far in terms of healing (I think, based on what I read on the discharge papers and what I should be doing by this point), so that's great. I have drains in, which I thought would've the grossest part of this, but they don't bother me, even when I have to empty them. I will have these in for 3 weeks or so. My chest is sore. Almost like I pulled my chest muscles, but the pain has been very bearable. I am taking pain meds, and I am sure they are helping. I am working on weaning off of them already because I feel like I am ready to.

So to the great news of being cancer free. My doctors office called yesterday, and I am cancer free. My pathology reports came back and couldn't be any better. The tumor (cancer mass) is completely gone. The doctor took lymph nodes from under my right arm (the cancer side), and all of those also came back negative. Everything she tested was negative which is exactly what I was hoping for. The other great news that comes along with this is that I won't need to do radiation. Even better because fuck that. That was the one thing out of all of this that I never wanted to do. 

The one thing (that I know for sure at this point), that is a potential con, is I have to always be conscious about potentially getting lymphedema. I am at a low risk, but none the less, it is a risk factor. My right arm. No blood draws, blood pressure, tattoos. Nothing other than regular normal activities, or I could aggravate the current lymph nodes and then shit will be gross. No thanks. 

The way I see this is I won. Everything is a win win win! I kicked cancer's ass.........just like I thought I would. I still have a long way to go, and 3 more surgeries, but I am closer now to being done than ever, where I can get my life back to normal!

What's New Pussycat?

I know, it's been a while, so are you wondering what's new pussycat? (Do you hear the song in your head?!?, you're welcome).

As you know, I finished chemo, and thankfully, that part is over. Yahoo! I was due to have surgery a few weeks ago, but no, I got fucking Covid instead. Like fucking really? Yep, really. So it had to be postponed. I was completely ready for surgery too. Mentally, physically, and any other way, I was ready. Nope. I had to wait. Things happen for a reason, right? I suppose.

So I got Covid. It was simple. Easy. My symptoms were so mild I would have sworn I didn't have it. Seriously. Lucky for me though because I still don't have an immune system built back up. It's going to be months and months before that returns to normal. As a matter of fact, when I get a cold, it was much worse than what Covid was, by far.

I called my oncologist to let him know I had Covid because of the lack of immune system I have. They prescribed me an antiviral medication. Woohoo. Let's kick this out of my system ASAP. They prescribe it to those that are high risk. I had no idea something like this even existed. When I read up on it, it is 90% effective to keep you out of the hospital and from dying. Excellent. It worked and Covid was gone before I knew it. I got extremely lucky. It could have been really bad. But just wait you say? Yep, that's right because while Covid was on it's way out, I ended up with a double ear infection and an upper respiratory infection. Oh my fucking god! It's like I couldn't catch a fucking break. Why not try out some other infections while I am at it? Such shit. But I went to my PCP, got a 5 day antibiotic, and boom, that shit was gone quick too. Awesome.

Now that I am all good, my surgery has been rescheduled and that will be happening here soon. I had to go through the mental prep again, which I would have preferred to skip. But as I often say, it is what it is. I am ready, I think, and I know I want to get this part over with so I can move on tto the next, that way I am closer to all this being over with 😀

Fuck Cancer! Chemo is DONE!!!

Great news! I finished my chemo today and couldn't be happier. This chapter is now closed, and I rang the bell signifying the same! On to the next, but I have time to wait, so I'll wait.

I feel great and I am going to take full advantage of that!

I got a great surprise today. I went to chemo as scheduled this morning. As I was checking in at the front desk, my sister showed up to surprise me. Awesome. Not only did she show up to support me, but brought me flowers, balloons and a card! Wow. I wasn't expecting that by any means. It was so thoughtful of her. And here I planned to sleep during my chemo like I normally do. Not today!

My chemo infusion went fine, as usual, although it took longer than normal. Either way. Who cares. I AM DONE! No more chemo for me. Awesome. 

I get home from chemo, and what's waiting for me at the door? Flowers. A beautiful vase of pink and white flowers. My bestie sent them to me, and I also got a card in the mail from her too. My day was full of great surprises!!!

I have celebrating to do, and have limited time to do it. I have a month before the next major milestone in all of this. So, plans are being made........

Ringing the bell. Chemo is done. The staff even played "celebrate" while I was taking pics

Thanks to my sister for being there today to support me in the closing of this chapter, and my bestie for getting me this awesome shirt to wear in celebration 😊

Beautiful flowers from my bestie

One Week To Go...........Then Chemo Will Be Over

Wow. I can't believe I have come so far, but it's been 6 months and 15 chemo treatments thus far, and with one more treatment to go, chemo is almost behind me. A week from today, I will have my last infusion. How exciting. 

That sounds so fucked up too. I am excited about my last chemo treatment. It is fucked up. Fucked up that I have cancer, fucked up I had to even go though this to begin with really. But I have come a long way throughout this ordeal, and soon I can close the door on this chapter. Wow.

I have still been feeling great, and surprisingly, sleeping a bit less than my usual 12 hours a night sometimes. Some night I only sleep 9-10 hours which is a lot, but that means I also gain more hours in the day to be productive. I love being productive, and that I certainly have been. It feels so great!

My life has seemingly felt so normal, doing things I would normally do. Then reality hits. I pass by a mirror and my bald head (or peach fuzz because I am not truly bald anymore), smacks me in the face. It has been at least 100 every day for the past 3-4 weeks; this is the time I am glad to have little to no hair. LOL. It is just too damn hot, and I am over it.

Despite the lack of hair, I feel great, and that's what matters. All of my body hair appears to be coming back, and I cannot say I am thrilled about that. I am going to have to shave my legs soon. What a bummer. I have enjoyed these months, over the summer, pool weather, to not even have to worry about it. It's been so nice!! 

I am looking forward to the weeks ahead, finishing my chemo treatment, then getting ready for my double mastectomy surgery which is scheduled for 5 weeks from now...........

What?!? Only One More Treatment To Go? Already?

Yep, that's right. Only one more chemo treatment to go! Sweet! Three of these four Red Devil treatments are done and behind me, already, despite only going once every three weeks. Time sure is going by quickly. 

What's new? Anything? Not really, and then yes. I am still feeling great. It is amazing how good I feel and what it really has done to lift my spirits. Feeling like a normal person, doing normal things. I swear I had almost forgotten what that is like. I am taking advantage of it for sure, within reason of course. Nothing too drastic, because I don't want to fall down hard core style. I already feel like I have been through the wringer time and time again throughout this shit.

The nurses and doctors must think I am crazy too. They ask what symptoms I am having, and I tell them not really any, and I've never felt better, except prior to my treatment. They look at me crossed eyed almost because if you recall, these rounds of chemo should have knocked me on my ass, and hit even harder than the first medication they had me on. Nope, I have had the complete opposite experience. Granted, my cell counts are down, as to be expected, because I was told that is what happens with everyone. I seem to think that comes without saying when they have seen it so many times. The only thing I notice, which has really become my new normal is sleeping in 12 hour shifts. Fortunately I haven't been taking any naps since I started this Red Devil, and that has been a nice change, because that hardly made me feel like an adult.

As long as things stay on track, my last chemo treatment will be on August 8th, 2022. That's just over two weeks from now. To think at this point, I have been going through this for almost 6 months to the day is mind boggling. It really is. I can't believe so much time has passed so quickly already, and here I am almost done with this phase of my journey. Then it'll be time to ring the bell........

What's Up? Just Checking In.....

Just here to check in. Kind of off the beaten path of when I normally do an update, but here I am, all for your reading pleasure 😉

Last week, I had another infection in my gums. Like really, another one? Because the first one wasn't enough? That is a thing of the past now. I got another round of antibiotics, and it's gone. Fortunately, it didn't really impact me much as I caught it earlier than the first one. 

So what's new? Again, yes, once again, just like after my first treatment, I have been feeling "normal". By "normal" I mean back to how I felt before all of this started. It is such a great feeling. I know I missed feeling normal, and now that I have that back, I am ecstatic! I feel like a regular person, who can do whatever I need to do, don't need help, and don't get tired after a few minutes. It's honestly a huge relief. It is an amazing feeling!

What am I doing now that I am feeling normal? Not taking naps! Keeping up with housework, because as we all know, that's normal. It's the necessary evil. I have also worked on a scrapbook I am making specifically for this journey in my life. It's called "My Shitty Titty Story". I made the cover for it a few months or so ago and never had the energy to put into doing any more with it. Then, with this new found regular level of energy, I spent two full days working on it and have it finished. Wow! That even surprised me. (For those of you that have no idea, that is an incredibly short amount of time to get a scrapbook done). It is finished to date. As my journey is not yet over, I will be adding more pictures to it as time goes on and I get further into whatever is next. Radiation, surgeries, etc. 

Oh and I have something else to share. 4 days ago, I noticed my head felt different. What do I mean? At some point every day, I rub my head. That may sound weird, as it does to me, but remember, I have no hair. I haven't had hair in 3.5 months now. It is a normal thing for me to touch my head at least at this point. Perhaps similar to a woman running her hands through her hair. I don't know. Anyways, I ask my sister to look at it. Does it look different? No, she says. Next day, same thing. And the following day, same thing. Still getting the same answer, and I swear I am not losing my mind, my head feels different. I finally get a close up in the mirror and guess what?!? My hair is growing back. WOW! It literally looks and feels like peach fuzz.  Not what I was expecting to see. Now the mystery will be how it grows back. I can't wait to see!

So as uneventful, or eventful as my life is, that's all I've got for now. Every day is a new adventure, and it's been a great few weeks! I am optimistic that the weeks coming will be even better!

Here It Is, Less Than A Week Later With Another Update? Hmmmm.

So yes, earlier than usual and another update. Why? Just because I have some great news to share, and then just some news.

Let's start off with the great news, because the other stuff is just info really. So I had my second round of Red Devil 6 days ago, so not long ago at all. The last time I went through this, it was a shit show. Well, at least for now, that has changed. I have had a great week! I have felt great, almost back to my old self again! It is truly amazing. I didn't take one nap either! Yes, I had to go to my oncologist every damn day, but getting those injections to increase my white blood cell counts may be the trick. I'm not sure, but I am taking this victory without a doubt! I haven't felt this good in so long, and I hope it lasts. My energy level has been so much better, and I feel like I was able to take bigger steps and just the not being so worn out part has been tremendous!

On just the info side, I discovered today, that I only have a few eyelashes remaining, and the same with my eyebrows. I never wear makeup, so that wasn't a dead giveaway to me. Honestly, I don't care, I know they will grow back. The way I discovered this is kind of funny to me. This morning, I was rubbing my eye because I felt like there was something in there. I got it out, but noticed the "missing" hairs at that same moment. I had a friend once tell me who was going through breast cancer when she lost her eyelashes, ear hair and nose hair, it was very very apparent. You dont realize what these little hairs do to protect foreign objects from entering different orifices in your body. I sure do now and I can relate to what she told me. Just another one of those things this battle brings on, although very minimal.

I hope to keep riding this wave of feeling good. I love having this opportunity to feel "normal" again after all this time. Such a breath of fresh air.

I am creating a Breast Cancer Scrapbook. 

I just finished the cover, which I designed and custom made. I am elated with how it turned out!