The Red Devil Has Begun......

The Red Devil has begun. I don't know if it should be celebratory that I now have one done and only 3 more to go, or not. Treatment started on June 6, 2022. I only have it every three weeks. I would love to hurry and expedite this and get it over with, but that is not how this one works. 

Let me tell you what this shit is like. It has the name for a reason. It's a fucking nightmare is what it is. Bloating is back in full force. Splendid. I am more tired than ever. Like how much can I actually sleep? Is this a test? I have always liked sleeping and enjoyed it. But this is ridiculous. I am now sleeping 14+ hours a night, then taking naps some days too. Jesus Fuck. It's way more than excessive.

On my treatment day, I find out from my labs that my white blood cell count is lower than they would like to see, therefore, I have to go in every day that week for an injection to boost my white blood cells, then come Friday, they will again do lab work and see if the injections worked. OMG! I literally drive there every day, got a shot, and went on my merry way. It takes me 30-40 minutes to drive one way for less than a 5 minute visit. Ugh. Not a fan of this shit already. But, the good news in all this is that come Friday, my white blood cell count was up even higher than they anticipated. Woohoo. Done with that shit for now. I have the next two weeks to hopefully have somewhat of a normal life, right? Wrong. 

Week two after my treatment. It's Wednesday (9 days after my first Red Devil treatment), and my neck below my jaw is sore. My tongue is sore like I bit it. No idea initially what was going on, and it didn't take me long to figure it out. My gums were also sore. Sore like there is something stuck in them, which has now started an infection, and causing all the soreness. What the actual fuck? A few things run through my mind. One. I was told not to floss, mainly because the doctors don't want you doing even the tiniest of things that could cause an infection (fucking, really?!? How ironic). Because had I flossed like I have every day for years and years, I wouldn't be in this position. But here I am. I used my water pic and got whatever was in there out.  Two. I have no immune system because the chemo drugs have literally killed it. So I cannot fight this off. Not like your body would normally fight this type of thing off. Three. WTF is next? I called the office after hours, and the doctor on call wants to see me the next morning. Just what I was hoping for. Nope. Not at all. He also calls in an antibiotic for me to start taking right away.

Next morning, I am at the doctors office. Yippee. They again do blood work, and confirm the suspicion of an infection. My white blood cell count is dangerously low. So low that they give me an injection as a booster right away, and tell me I need to come back for another injection tomorrow, however, if my levels do not increase, I will have to be hospitalized. I guess they aren't fucking around, and I am not going to fight it. They really know what's best for me.

Friday morning, back at the office again, lab work done again. White blood cell count is up, and the levels are high enough that they are satisfied, but they want to see me again Monday morning because I received another injection and they want to monitor this because I won't have injections over the weekend. Ugh. Monday morning, back to the office. Again, lab work is done, and my white blood cell count is up, and they are happy at that. So all is well that ends well right? Wrong. Do you see this trend? Just when you think things are good, you get the good old go fuck yourself.

What's going on now? Lab work revealed that now my red blood cell count is low. The paperwork states "critically low".  So what does this mean? I may need a blood transfusion. WTF? No. The oxygen in my blood is basically not enough, and therefore your heart is working harder than it should be. Christ. Sounds like a fucking heart attack or stroke waiting to happen, but I don't ask about that. Instead, I am told I need to be on bedrest and sleep as much as I can because that is what'll do the best for me. More sleep. Really? Then she tells me if I have chest pains, shortness of breath or a rapid heart beat that I need to go to the ER. I swear I am not trying for a hospital stay. So bed rest lasted two days...........I am not meant to lay in bed all damn day and night.

With all the shit that has happened with my first Red Devil treatment, it really makes me want to say fuck this. No more chemo. Let's hope for the best to this point and move on to the next step. Yes, I only have 3 more to go, but this is a fucking nightmare to me. I won't be done until August with these treatments, and that just seems so far away.

Treatment # 12 Complete. Taxol Is Done.

Yahoo! I completed the first round of my chemo treatment, Taxol. 12 rounds of this shit. Yes, shit. Chemo is no fun. It's bogus. Dumping poison into your body, every week for 12 weeks straight. What a fucking delight.

At some point, I asked my oncologist about the side effects, and found out they are cumulative. Affirmative. They sure fucking have been. I was more tired each week. I had less energy every week, and that is in part why I wasn't keeping my blog up to date. I don't exactly know how to explain it, but something seemingly as simple as taking a shower has been a huge struggle for me. It's like I have to pep talk myself into it. A shower, really? Yes, really. Something that I have done every day without thinking twice about it until chemo. So with that being said, just imagine how monumental everything else in my life is. Dishes. Ya, right. Sweeping. Nope. Cleaning in general. Whatever. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not all horrible and not every day is a cluster fuck. Tuesday have historically throughout this process been my best day. The day after each chemo treatment. Does that seem weird? I would have thought, and I did initially, that I would feel awful right from the beginning, and immediately, but that is not the case even still. I am riding the steroids.........so Tuesday had become my favorite day of the week!

I am stoked that I have finished 12 rounds of chemo, and that Taxol is over, however, I have been warned that the worst is yet to come. Fuck me. I am not looking forward to the next 4 rounds, because that is all I have left, but what can I do? Nothing. Grin and bear it basically. Let's hope it's not as bad because during Taxol, I feel like I was extremely lucky and my side effects, although present, were minimal. 

Oh yes, side effects. So, I did some more reading in the groups I am in for breast cancer, and saw more posts about effective side effect supplements. Tart Cherry. Never heard of it. I bought some and tried them. I am a firm believer that they work. My side effects were even less than they have been to this point, which is great. In addition to that, I have gone to the pool and noticed that on the weeks I was there, I had no side effects, no neuropathy at all! Amazing. Who didn't know this? Me, that's who. And I made sure I shared that in my group, because anyone going through this deserves to know. I don't know if it the cooler water, the sunshine or a combination of both, but it is effective either way.

I have a two week break from chemo now because the doctor wants my white blood cell count up before I start the "Red Devil" chemo. That name in itself makes me skeptical already......

It's Been A While.

It's been a while since I updated or posted anything, and for those of you keeping up to date, my apologies.

It has been a shit show in a way, and I will get into all that in my next posts, so I can provide details on each.

Thanks for waiting it out for me to finally update this, and for those who personally reached out to me to see why I hadn't updated this. Here I am. I am back, and I will do better 😬

I AM So Sick Of This Shit

That's right. Fucking sick and tired of this shit. What shit am I talking about? Just everything. I am sick of walking around feeling like shit. Being tired all the time. Sleeping more than half my day away and taking naps. Not having any energy to even do the dishes. Not wanting to take a shower, but feeing the need, and it turning into a fucking pep talk from myself to do it. Gaining weight. The struggles I am facing because I have gained weight due to the steroids. Everything feeling like it weighs twice what it does and just being that much harder to lift. Be uncomfortable sitting, standing or laying down. Looking around the house knowing shit needs to get done and I just can't do it. Like seriously WTF???

I am ready to say fuck this shit. I don't want to do chemo anymore. It is just physically and mentally fucking draining and I have had enough. I am more than half way through it. Tomorrow will be my 11th treatment, and I will only have 5 left after that, but fully knowing that starting with treatment 13, things will get worse. How much fucking worse can things get? 

I know, I know I really have it better than a lot of other women, and I should be grateful, and I really have been to this point. But it's just that every day gets harder and harder and I'm over it. I don't like relying on other people to do things for me. I just don't and that's how I've always been. I am appreciative for everyone around and all they've done. I really am. I feel like I am not as self sufficient as I once was, and that's true. I am just not the same. I am looking forward to getting back to who I used to be, doing what I used to do, and it being easy. 

Most days I feel like a sumo wrestler. Christ, is this really how they walk around? Like I am waddling and every single THING is a struggle. OMG, I can't even imagine feeling like this for months, or even years on end. No fucking way. That, and then how I see myself in the mirror as a result of the sumo wrestler look. Fuck me. No way. I have never been one who likes to work out, exercise, go to the gym, or any kind of "healthy" activity, for the most part. Things are going to change. I can't wait until I get some energy. I am going to burn it in a positive way and get back to feeling like I did before all this started.

For now, I am going to suck this bullshit up and deal with it. God forbid I eat a pea, I won't need to eat for another fucking week.........

Another Minute. Another Hour. Another Day.

Another week has passed. Another week of being sore, hurting and just being uncomfortable. OMG. Fuck this shit for real. It gets worse as time goes on. I have three of these treatments to go and I am ready for this one to just be over with already. I am just over it.

This past week, Thursday - Saturday were my bad days. Better than last week, seeing as I was only hurting 3/7 days this week. It still sucks, but that means I should have Sunday - Wednesday this week, maybe. If I am lucky. I have my heavy dose, and new cycle starting tomorrow. No telling what that may bring.

As I sit here and bitch about what is going wrong and how I am feeling, I have done a lot of reading in general in other breast cancer groups, and in reality, I think I am one of the lucky ones. I read what some of these women go through, things I have never experienced, thank god. This shit is real. The side effects are very real.  I should be relieved that mine are minimal in comparison. Three more Taxol treatments to go, then on to my next chemo treatment which I am told by the nurses will be worse. Ugh. No thank you?

I am tired of being tired. I sleep 12+ hours a night, then nap nearly every day. My body is just tired. My mind is tired. I AM JUST TIRED. Let's look at the glass half full. I have 3 more of these treatments to go, then 4-5 of the next chemo treatments to go, so in reality, I am more than half way done with chemo. Yahoo! But it isn't over then. I still have my double mastectomy, radiation, and the rest of my hysterectomy to go.........and don't forget about the reconstructive surgery. All those things will take time to heal from too. So more down time, more naps and likely more sleeping.

Perhaps I shouldn't be in a hurry to retire............or maybe I should. When I am healed, recovered and past this breast cancer. Assuming Covid is a thing of the past, I can then travel. 😚

Fuck. This. Week.

 Seriously, fuck this week. This has been by far the hardest week I have had yet since I started chemo. 

I napped every day this week. Every. Fucking. Day. I cannot believe I am so tired every day. My energy level is so low and I basically do nothing all damn day. It’s almost like what the fuck is the point of getting out of bed to essentially do nothing? Seems unnecessary.

Aside from having no energy and being tired with zero the little motivation, yesterday I was so sick. Sicker than I have been since all this started. I was a hot fucking mess and then some. I even vomited. That’s a first. And upon vomiting, not that I want to talk about it in great detail, but I noticed that dinner I had eaten approximately 18 hours prior, was still undigested. Well that isn’t Normal. Fuck me. Let me just add this shit to the list of what’s going on.

I am in some groups on FB about cancer, and breast cancer specifically. I decided to post in there about what I am experiencing and ask if anyone else has the same. I received many responses, and I think much to my surprise, yes, many other women are having the same side effects. I also asked about the longer you get into treatment, if your side effects get worse. Yep. That is the definitive answer. That explains a lot. 

I only have 4 more Taxol treatments left, then on to the next round of meds on AC a.k.a. Red Devil. No telling what that’s going to bring, let’s just hope I can get through these last 4 Taxol treatments without shit getting worse in the meantime.

8 Taxol Treatments Down The Shoot

I'm 8 treatments down as of today, and 4 more Taxol treatments to go...........then on to the next. AC aka The Red Devil, but more on that later.

Wow, 8 treatments down already. That seemed to go quickly. But that's great because I am ready to put this whole ordeal behind me. Like completely behind me. I still have a long road ahead though. Probably about another 12 months to go. 

This past week after round 7, which also started my new cycle, was ok. I was really tired and napped every day. I feel like at my age I should not be napping, but I am so tired I just give in. Then I expect to wake up feeling refreshed, and hoping to be productive, only to not feel that way. It is so boring just sitting around. I am not a tv watcher so that gets old quick. I haven't felt like reading, and everything else just seems like it's a huge challenge to even think about trying to accomplish. That's what I don't like; everything seems like a fucking chore.

Aside from sleeping about 12 hours a day and napping, I still had the bone/nerve pain (maybe neuropathy?!?) going on, however, if you recall I have been taking those alpha lipid acid pills, and much like everyone said, I do think they are working. Not 100% like I feel nothing, however, better than after my new cycle the last time, three weeks prior, so that's great! I hope the longer I take it, the better it works to the point where I won't have feel any of this pain. That would be great!!!!

Nothing else in terms of chemo treatment and shit to report really, however, it appears that the hair on my head is growing, much to my surprise. It's about 3/8" long and still has pink tips! I thought for sure at some point the spouts I have would just fall out, but they haven't! So weird. I haven't noticed any other areas aside from what I reported last week, where I've lost hair. Maybe that's it for me. Time will tell.

This week, well today, when I went for chemo, it was rougher than usual. Phlebotomist couldn't hit my vain in my arm to draw blood. I don't like her and I feel like she was being lazy honestly......but the second girl hit it the first time. They literally never have an issue taking my blood............then on to having my port tapped for my infusion. Poor nurse tried 3 times and couldn't get it. I was almost ready to have a heart to heart with him, look him right in the eyes and tell him to get it together. Lol. He is relatively new, and super nice, and I wouldn't want him to be scared of me, so I decided not to say anything. He got another nurse, the pro as I would call her, and she even had a hard time, but got it on her first try....barely. So I was poked and prodded way more than I wanted to be today, and not in the way I would have wanted either 😏  Once again I slept through chemo, just in time to wake up when it was all over. Nice!!!! Let's hope this week treats me better than last week!

Until I have new adventures to share.........

Just Checking In

Just checking in and I have notable items to mention. Hmmm, interested? Let's see.

This week was not as good as I had hoped. I had neuropathy (the bone pain I describe) kick in on Thursday, and although it has died down a lot, it's still going on, and I am on the 4th day since it started. Thursday and Friday were the worst, and I honestly thought after that it would go away, but yesterday and today, it's still happening. Fucking great. It is just uncomfortable. Obviously painful, but low on the 1-10 scale. I just figured out yesterday how I can tell you what it's like so you can relate (not that anyone would seriously want to). If you have ever had a shin splint, that's exactly what it's like, with the lingering pain effect. When it starts, you get a quick zapping pain wherever (mine are all somewhere from the waist down mostly), followed by the lingering shin splint pain. WTF? It's not cool.

I am a part of several facebook groups all about breast cancer, mastectomy's, wigs, all things related. I do read them regularly and also help where I can when other women in this same position, have questions. Yesterday I came across a post about neuropathy and read that aplha-lipoic acid pills help. This coming from other women who use them and say they work. Great. So I have those now and started taking them last night. Let's hope they help. 

I have been really tired this whole week. I have been doing a lot of resting. Way more than usual, but if that's what my body says, then rest it is. I am so sick of laying around though. Like over it. So over it.

I have also noticed a few new things this week. Things I wasn't looking for, but discovered them. As you know by now, I lost my hair a few weeks ago. I still have alfalfa sprouts though which is interesting. The tips are still pink too! How funny. What I discovered though is that I have lost some hair on other areas of my body too. I didn't really notice either until I looked. Leg hair, gone. Nose hair (inside), gone. Armpit hair, gone. The hair on my arm however, still fully intact. Same with my eyebrows and eyelashes. Cool. I like that I've lost my hair in the areas I would typically shave. Nope, that is a thing of the past for now. Nice!

6 Treatments Down.........

Here I am. 6 treatments down. Who knows how many left to go............

An update since I haven't said anything in a week! A whole week, that's a long time in this world for me to be so quiet. But I am not trying to bore anyone with stupid page filler info. Ain't nobody got time for that! (I hope you understand this reference), I personally find it hilarious).

So what happened last week in all the glory after treatment 5? Nothing much to speak of. Side effects were minimal. Tired of course and I slept more than I wanted to, but hey, it is what it is. I just have to listen to my body. I was also a bit more active than usual too. My son and his family came to visit, and I was so glad I could spend time with them, including my grandson who is now 16 months old already! OMG, he is just too cute, I can't even stand it! With this extra activity underway, taking walks mostly, I had some more of that bone pain occur. Given that this is not the norm for me on the weeks I only have Taxol, I am chalking it up to the extra activity. It's all good, it didn't get the better part of me, that's for sure. Don't get me wrong, I am not about to go run a fucking marathon or starting to train to be an olympian, I will take this all in stride though. Maybe this is the sign that I need to be a bit more active, just when we are about to be in the 90's every day. Perfect timing. 👌

This week, week 6 of chemo, I wish I could tell you how it was, but once again, I slept through it. That seems to be my routine. Get comfy, get my ice packs for my hands and feet, put some headphones in, play a movie on my iPad I've seen (which the last few weeks has been Bad Moms Christmas), pull my hoodie over my eyes or put an eye mask on, and promptly pass out. I seriously wondered if I would be able to sleep with ice slippers and gloves on, and clearly, I can. This wasn't the first time, and hey, it's a great way to get a nap in and catch up on any lost sleep. I love it! 💕 Today I had to be woken up by the nurse to tell me I was done because I was enjoying my nap a bit too much apparently. Wonderful. 

I am hoping to have another good week and feel good, perhaps with my regular routine of sleeping a bit more, but hey, I'll take it, because I know it could be worse, and I will take the victories where I can get them!!!

Let's talk about some fun shit now. My son and his family came for a visit. I was so glad, and although I have sent them a few pictures of me with no hair, I didn't want to make them uncomfortable and seeing me live, in person for the first time, bald when I picked them up from the airport. I had gone to the grocery store and my chemo appointment last week bald, and quite frankly it was no biggie. I wore my first wig ever the day prior to picking them up when I had to make a quick run out. Honestly, I loved it. It is amazing how, that in a matter of 5 minutes, I can completely change my look. It is so fun! So the day I picked them up I wore a different wig. Then the following day, another one. Let's keep changing it up. I keep telling my husband it's like he is getting a new wife every day. There were also a few times I just wore a cap. Again, mostly for the sake of my son and his family. I think for me when it comes to my son especially, he has never seen me without hair. Sure I have gone through many changes and styles, but I have always had hair. Before they left, I was sporting a bald head all day long. It didn't seem to phase them one way or another. I think my grandson with the changes in my looks every day was thinking WTF is wrong with you Pippa (the name I go by to him). He's looking at me every day like hey, your voice sounds familiar, but you sure do look different. LOL. And I am sure this trend will continue for a long time to come!

Here's to having fun with wigs (Not flags Sheldon, WIGS)! ~Reference, again~

Who's that girl? It's NOT Jess! (another reference, I am on a roll)!

Did I Speak Too Soon?

Did I speak too soon? Yes, why yes I did. Go figure. Here I was feeling great, and happy at that. No time for this cancer chemo side effects bullshit. And it was a Thursday when I posted my last update. By that time I would have normally experienced my side effects, but this past week was different.

What I experienced this week was not only later than usual, but it just sucked. It was late on Thursday, then all day Friday, and into Saturday. What a shit show. Thankfully I think all that is behind me, just in time to get another round of chemo tomorrow. This coming week shouldn't be as bad.

You know it's interesting what these drugs do and don't do to you in a way. Internally they are designed to stop your cancer from growing and shrink it which in itself is amazing if you really think about it. Externally is no big deal to me, the obvious and most noticeably being that I lost my hair. Did I also mention I am continuously gaining weight? They are happy with that too. My care team that is. They want you to gain weight. I guess in part that tells them my body is responding well. And then there's the mental part of it, which again, for me, this is just another thing I have to go through in my life. I don't see it as a big deal, and I am fighting. 

Why did I say I spoke too soon and what happened this past week after Thursday afternoon that it made me want to tell you about it? Jesus, let's go. First and foremost, I don't think I have ever slept so much in one week as I have this past week. 12-14 hours of sleep per night for the most part, then sometimes followed by naps. Like christ with the naps. I swear to fuck I slept more than a fucking new born baby. You would think after all that sleep, I would have energy, want to do things, and would get shit done, like basic housework. Nope, didn't fucking happen. Everything was just at a higher degree of difficulty for me regardless. Either way, clearly my body is telling me this is what I need, so that's what I did was listen. I slept a lot. 

What else? So as I described a few weeks ago, I had these shooting or shocking type of pains, especially in my inner knee area. Although I mostly felt these in my lower body, below the waist, including my legs and feet, I would occasionally get them in my hands too. I don't know if those shocking type of pains (thinking this is a form of neuropathy), build up or linger or what, but it makes your muscles where you get them, somewhat sore. Not like you overworked them, but it weakens them for sure. For instance, with my hands, I would be careful picking up something I normally wouldn't because my hand muscles don't seem as strong. I walk slower during this time too. Still, could be worse. What sucks is although brief, it is unpleasant. And I can tell you it'll either cause you to not be able to fall asleep, or the pains will wake you from your sleep. I guess for me it doesn't matter because I'll get my 20 hours in.

Anything else? Why yes. I'm glad inquiring minds want to know. I only lost my taste buds for one day. I'm used to that. No biggie. You want to talk about this wreaking havoc on your system. Yes, I also dealt with that. Thankfully no throwing up, but I will say this. You better be close to a restroom, ALWAYS. No fart is safe. Just remember that. What I find interesting about this ordeal is I am no longer feeling bloated (WIN), nothing is bothering me food wise, I haven't had indigestion or acid reflux since I started taking that medication again, yet my stomach is apparently having a fucking boxing match, UFC style. Bullshit. But again, could be worse, right? Don't fart, don't squat, and perhaps if I don't bend over, all remains in tact. So far so good 😙

Another Week Down. What's Happening Now?

It's another new week into this journey of mine. Are you curious what's going on? Lots. As always.

I started a new cycle with chemo on Monday, March 28, 2022, and was given a new drug on top of the others I have had so far. Added to my regimen was Keytruda. Fingers crossed this one will be good to me too, and lucky me, it really has been for the most part. The biggest and most obvious side effect is being really tired. I don't mean tired, let me take an hour nap. I mean I slept 14 hours the last 2 nights, each night, then took a nap on top of that. Insanity! But if that's what my body needs, then so be it. Who am I to say no? My primary focus is on beating the shit out of this cancer beast.

On top of being tired, my body felt a bit off sync, but nothing too horribly noticeable. Woohoo. I am getting those little bones/nerve pains, but they are so quick and come and go at the snap of a finger, it's really minor. I'll take that, because the more I read from other women going through the same treatment plan with the same drugs and their reactions, I have it easy. I am so fortunate.

Anything else new? Of course there is. As I am sure you know by now, I have been cutting my hair every week, shorter and shorter, and it started thinning out too. It's all part of the treatment and I am prepared for whatever comes next. My hair is important and isn't all at the same time. It'll grow back, and it's just hair, right? Some think I am vain. I don't care what anyone thinks, as I am sure you know by now, but vanity, if I have any, is going out the window. I had my hair cut into a mohawk last week (by far my favorite hair cut to date, and I plan on doing the same once it grows back too), but a lot bolder and way more fun than this time!! 

My 45th birthday was yesterday, March 30th, and I thought it was perfect timing to celebrate me, my birthday and how far I am coming along on this journey, feeling good and taking this bull by the dick! I shaved my head! That's right, I have little sprouts now! My hair continued to thin so bad it just had to go. Are you curious how I feel about it? I am totally fine with it. 100% good, and I will go out in public bald as well. Like who gives a shit. I do have a few wigs, and some caps, and hats, but those will likely be reserved for special occasions or to keep my head from getting sun burned. I look at it like this now. No hair to wash or dry, I won't need hair products at all, I have to spend no time styling, or trying to get it "just right". Nope. I win some time back now :) I won't have hair again until next year, so I am going to enjoy this while I have it, or don't. However you want to look at it.

Here's to another 45 years in the making!

No Hair, don't care!

New Week, New Me

Here I am, back after 3 rounds of chemo, and honestly, feeling better than ever! Wow! Who would have thought that I'd be kicking ass and taking names more than ever? It's happening.

Each week, as the Taxol builds up in my system, the worse the side effects will be, the worse I will feel, etc, etc. I am not responding that way at all. This week I decided I was not going to do my regimen of things so I have no side effects. I decided this week was going to be different and I was going to experience this full on. How can I set a base line to know how I feel if I don't really know how I am feeling because I am taking things to counteract those feelings beforehand?

Listen, no one wants to feel bad, ever. Let's face it. We have all had the flu, a cold, ear infection (which I currently have), upset stomach, nausea, and the list goes on and on. It just sucks. We all know this. So why would I opt to potentially feel bad? I really am not, but I think this will help me to better help myself as time goes on and things progress. I am very in touch with how I normally feel, when something in my body is off, and when I am just out of sorts.

So no aspirin, anti nausea anything, nothing aside from what I receive when I am at chemo. Chemo was now 3 days ago, and as I have been told in the past, Wednesday and Thursday will be the worst days in terms of not feeling well. I am ready to not feel so great and be tired, and fatigue is certainly one of the symptoms I have noticed repeatedly, however, much to my surprise, I feel completely normal. Like literally nothing, nothing aside from the onset of this ear infection feels off. Wow. Just amazing. I am glad and I will take it because there is no guarantee that this kind of luck I am encountering will last. So I will take advantage of it while I can.

As I previously mentioned, my hair started thinning on Sunday. It has gotten progressively worse, and I can just pull hundreds and hundreds of hair strands out at a time. It's so strange to me. This is a whole new experience, much like the rest of this to this point. It is honestly annoying as can be. You know when a woman is getting married and the flower girl throws rose pedals down for her to walk on? If anyone ever wanted hair to walk on, and a deep red nonetheless, that would be my current gig. I shit you not. It is alarming in a sense at how much hair I am losing. 

Time is ticking. I have very limited time left before my hair is totally gone. It's cool. Let me ride out this last wave. So what's next? I got a haircut, yes another haircut with my already seemingly short hair. Salima and I had this planned already and we were ready to rock and roll. I am now the proud fashionista of a mohawk! OMG, I love this style. Who would have ever guessed? This is not something I would have ever thought to do at any point in my life, until now, and shit, it is refreshing. Like super fucking refreshing. My husband is NOT a fan, no surprise there, but tough shit. This is about me. So now I get to parade around with this bad ass haircut (which I may keep even after my hair grows back in next year sometime), and enjoy it while it lasts!

Round 3. Complete.

My week is starting off a bit interesting. It's Monday, March 21, 2022 and I now officially have 3 round of chemo under my belt. WooHoo! Good stuff. So good, I fell asleep during my treatment today. I have been exhausted and unable to sleep the last few days. A quick 1 hour nap and boy do I feel better. 

My hair is thinning out big time. BIG time. God forbid I touch my head, hair, and then more hair, followed by the trail of hairs I am leaving all over the house. I am getting another hair cut this week, which might actually mean just shaving it off completely, and this too is what my husband suggests I do. A few more days in the current state will determine this.

I forgot to mention another side effect I am having, however, this is 100% controllable, by me, and I fucked up. Whoops. This fucking cancer is just not going to take all the joy out of my life. Fuck that. I am having really bad acid reflux. At first, I thought it was just part of the side effects honestly. It is, however, I am able to make it go away which is great. I was told no spicy food (so boring, I love spicy food), and that I should stay away from dairy, with the exception of probiotics like yogurt. Well I didn't listen. Of course not. If you know me well enough, spicy, yes please! And I 💗 Cheese. I eat spicy food a few times a week, and cheese every day. String cheese, cheese crisps (homemade), shredded cheese, grilled cheese, I mean whatever. 

So what's happening as a result of the spicy food and dairy? When I am asleep, I get the taste of vomit in my throat, after what seemingly is a burp. So Fucking Gross. I wake up and immediately sit straight up, and drink some water. I have tested the theory of no spicy food and/or dairy, and on those days when I sleep, no acid reflux. So what do I do? I already take an acid reflux medication. Now I am taking tums regularly. So I can either continue with this regimen and do what I want (which is most likely), or I can stop what I've been doing and let this fucking cancer take away some more of the things I love. Well Fuck You Cancer, I do what I want! 

It's Been 13 Days and Two Treatments Ago I Started Chemo. So What's New?

Oh yeah! 13 days ago I started chemo, and I am two treatments in, and by tomorrow, I'll be 3 treatments in. Whoopie! I wish I could go through this even faster. Let's just fast pass this bitch and get this shit over with. Too bad it doesn't quite work that way.

Are you wondering what's new and exciting? Ha, nothing. Not a thing. Chemo is not exciting, nor are any of the things that come with it, unfortunately. Too bad, because I wish I had some awesome shit to throw in here about it.

What is important is how I am experiencing this whole thing. When I had my chemo 6 days ago, last Monday, March 14th, I was told that this, my second week, would be much harder than the first. Lie! All lies! My second week, and my side effects were substantially less noticeable that my first week. I am so lucky, I think, considering what I was told about how I would feel. 

The bloating, that shit is real. Real uncomfortable. For the love of god, if I eat a peanut, I am bloated. It fucking sucks. I can't lay down and be comfortable, or sit up, or even just stand there! I look like I am ready to give birth too. How sexy. But in the grand scheme of things, if that is the worst I feel, I will take it, grin and bear it, and just deal with it.

As far as other side effects go, I lost my taste buds on Wednesday again, but by Thursday they were making a come back. Glad that is short lived. I decided to have a Dr. Pepper, and it was so weird, my favorite pop of all time, and it tasted weird, and super flat, although it wasn't. I lose my taste buds and all I have a sense for is texture. Hell, I will just skip eating at that point. One day is going to do anything to this physique. Lol.

What else? Anything? Yep. Just today, my hair started noticeably thinning. Not horribly, but it is more than usual, and this is exactly what I was told to expect. It's all good, I am ready. I got my first wig the other day. I tried it on. It's so different too! It's long and dark brown. Part in the middle. I am going to have fun with it. I am still waiting on the custom one I ordered, but I also went to a wig store the other day, and WOW, there are just so many options. And not just with the wigs themselves, but then the accessories. This is a whole thing I had no idea even existed. I have a lot to learn, and can't wait. Hair is going to be a thing of the past coming up here soon, and won't be back for a while, so time to embrace the change and make it fun!

A special thank you to my dear friend who sent the most incredible care package to me this week. I was shocked!! She is so incredibly thoughtful and I would have never expected anything like it. I love everything that came in it 😁 and cannot wait to put everything to good use. She got me the whole "chemo ready" package I swear! I am so lucky for those I have in my life that are taking this journey with me.

This is the wig I bought that I got the other day. I love it.

Chemo Treatment #2 Down

Chemo treatment #2 is done as of Monday, March 14, 2022. Yippee! Glad I have another one under my belt. It's good. Just means I am closer to the end of these. I am looking forward to that but I still have 5.5 months to go which seems like at this rate is honestly taking forever.

I was lucky to have my husband join me for this chemo session, only to find out that I am not supposed to have anyone with me because of COVID guidelines. Last week my bestie was with me (because she was in from out of town), and no one said anything then......so what's different now? Oh, ya, so they let you have a visitor for your very first treatment, but not thereafter. The nurse was cool though and let my husband stay, which was great. She said there are no supervisors here today, so we're good. Awesome. These nurses are saints in general. They really wait and dote on you, but I am not needy.

Things go great, as I anticipated. Just basically a repeat of last week, no pain and no side effects during or after. But those are yet to come, so I am told. Wednesday and Thursday again will be my down days, likely. Ok let's get my shit together then and use my time wisely to get done things I should while I still feel good. And that's what I've done this far.

Me and My Husband, Chemo Treatment #2

What's next? My wig appointment, if you are wondering how that went? Kristy met me there, and I am so glad. I really need and second opinion, and not from a sales lady. My husband has zero interest in this and may not provide the kind of feedback I am looking for. I tried on about 8 different wigs in all. Different styles, length, colors, etc. The color is irrelevant because mine will be custom made anyways. It's fun to try them all on. See how I look with differing styles. Lengths. Colors even. I even tried on a gray/silver one to see what I looked like with it! I don't like how I look in that color. Maybe if I would have had make up on, it would have changed it and made it better, but I am too young to prematurely age myself! Some I was able to rule out immediately. I tell Kristy this is a "hard no", and let's not even bother to take pics. All in all it took me just over an hour to find the right one. It is going to be dark brown (I love how I look in dark hair), with some rust colored highlights. Just funky enough, for a wig anyways. I am happy with that, and I will have it in about 7-10 days. Oh the anticipation! This is going to be fun. I also spontaneously bought a wig online the other day. 😊 I told my husband it'll be like he's getting a new wife everyday possibly!

This is the wig style I chose. NOT the color. I love the cut though!

After not sleeping Sunday night, when I went to bed Monday night, I crashed hard core and was out cold in 2 seconds. Ahhh. Perfect. However, that didn't last all night. Of course not. I did get some much needed sleep though. 💤

And now, on to Tuesday, time for my hair cut, remember? Yep. The element of surprise is near. What kind of hair cut will Salima give me? I get to her shop and she mentions how's she's been thinking about how to cut my hair and she just doesn't know what she wants to do. Great, that makes 2 of us. I just wanted to give her the creative freedom to do what she wants. I did look at some pictures online a few days ago, and have a few things I like. I show her the pics, and she likes what she sees. Yahoo! With this she also comes up with another great idea. She will cut my hair shorter now, as it is going to start thinning this week, then wants me to come back next week for an even shorter cut because I will then aggressively start losing my hair. Perfect. I love it! Let's do this!!!

This is the cut for this week! I love it. 

Stay tuned, because next week there will be an all new me, again! Too bad I can't do this regularly. But fuck the cancer and the chemo, I'm not referring to that shit.

6 Days Later. Let's See Where I'm At.

Quick Update: I finally uploaded pics from my photoshoots under my "Say Cheese" post if you want to check them out.

It's 6 days after my first chemo treatment, and the day before round 2. Oh so curious as to what's going on? Especially after that last post. Well, rest assure, I am here to update those with an inquiring mind. And let my just stop to say thank you if you are still reading my blog and following it. I am enjoying writing it. It is very relaxing for me.

A few days ago, I noted about how my body felt and how I was just moving slower in general. It's very different for me, and weird, however, things have gotten better. Victory!!! How have things gotten better? My body no longer feels off, with slight pains just trigger different spots, including my hands. I am back to moving about like normal too, walking at my same pace. Yippee!

One thing that hasn't changed in the least bit is being bloated. I actually woke up hungry today for once. Holy shit was that a relief. But that didn't last long. I ate some mixed nuts. Simple. Easy. Not filling, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. WTF already? I swear I could eat a piece of toast, a saltine or 5 goldfish crackers and it wouldn't matter in the least. Fucking bullshit. This is so uncomfortable for me. I hope I don't have to deal with 6 months of this shit. I have even tried anti bloating stuff. I mine as well eat candy, because I notice zero changes.

I have been sleeping good too, except last night. Let's just say that is a one off. But I am sleeping 12+ hours on a good night which seems excessive. Clearly my body is telling me I need it, or I wouldn't be sleeping that long. I am just happy that I wake up and feel rested and have energy. These days, that is a win in itself.

To sum things up, I am feeling pretty decent. I like it!

What's in the week ahead? Plans. Definite plans.

Monday- 2nd chemo treatment and a wig appointment (I did buy a wig online today and I am eager to get it. It'll be about a week before I start losing my hair).

Tuesday - Getting my hairs cut. All of them! I am letting my hairdresser, Salima Subramanian, owner of Serenity Studio (on FB and Instagram at SerenityStudio17) take the reigns. She has all the power to do what she wants with my hair completely. Given that I won't have my own hair much longer, we should both have fun with it, right? Let's do it!

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday - No agenda, as of yet which is great because I likely will be hitting repeat from last week, or maybe not, maybe this week will be better!

Round 2 almost down......just want to keep it moving!

Side Effects. I Heard About Them. Now I Have Them.

Fuck side effects. Every fucking commercial has a list of side effects that are longer than reading Peace and War. Seriously you can't curb that shit in this day and age? Make it better? Again, it is what it is I suppose.

So what are my side effects? What am I experiencing? How do I feel?

It's been 3 days since my first chemo treatment. I was told days 2 and 3 would be the worst for me this week. Of course I was hoping to skate by, and bypass them. Seriously. I have ben drinking ginger tea every day and have other anti [insert the side effect here] regimens to try and just stay feeling good. I thought it was working, and I think it was.

I am so tired. So very tired. I slept 11 hours, and within a few hours I am ready to go back to bed, but I can't because I have to work. I nap during my lunch period. Good. It's nice I work from home and have that option. What else? I am super bloated. I don't even have to eat, I just naturally feel that way. Yuck. It is horrible, but again, could be worse. I try taking something to counteract that, but it barely works. So now I walk around looking pregnant as a result of this shit. My taste buds are off, and hopefully this is a single solitary event. Things I love are just blah. Fine, I just won't eat much. That works. I don't want to feel any more bloated than I do already. But the thing I find most odd is how my body feels. I am very in touch when something feels off, but this is like nothing I have ever experienced before, and I don't even know if I can describe it and put it into words. My body, especially my legs and hands feel like the muscles are sore, which doesn't make sense. I walk slower as a result. I type slower as a result. I just move slower in general. It is time I nip this shit in the ass because I don't have time for this bullshit. Not at all.

My side effects in my opinion, really aren't that bad. I know they could be worse, by far way worse. I am remaining optimistic and know I will get through this, regardless of these fucking side effects. And thanks to me bestie who got me a cancer shirt that says "Fight Like A Girl", because I am here to kick ass and take names. Fuck you cancer.

Say Cheese!

Let's talk about the photo shoots. I have now done two of them, thanks to Brandi of Live Beautifully photography (livebeautifullyphotography.com) and Live Beautifully Photography on FB. She is the absolute best. For the first photo shoot we were at Little Elm Beach, not far from my home. This time, we are at my home. I am ready to take some topless photos, because soon enough, there will be noticeable changes to my body. Changes I am honestly not looking forward to, and no one other than my husband will physically see, however, I want to capture all of it.

I am extraordinarily calm. There really was no reason to feel otherwise, however, I am having photos taken of me, exposing myself and being potentially venerable, but guess who is still here? My bestie. She's here to support me, in the background, and doing puppy patrol because my dogs are so curious right now.

The photo shoot goes well. It seems easy for me, but then again, I am just standing there, posing as I am told, and I am excited about these photos. I wouldn't take photos like this if there wasn't so much meaning, but in a sense I feel so liberated, and it feels good. I need to feel good right now.

So how did these photos turn out? Great, they are just fabulous. I mean I wish I was thinner, but whatever. This is me. And we are all more self critical than anyone else would be. I just have to accept that right now, this is my current state. And I will have so many memories to look back on in due time, and I doubt that'll even be a factor.

So thank you again Brandi! I couldn't do this without you!!

Pros and Cons Cont'd......

Pros

•     I get to have fun with my hair, while I still have it, and get to do things I normally wouldn't
•     I won't have to shave, not my legs, not my underarms, won't have to worry about shaping my eyebrows. Score!
•     I get to wear wigs and I am going to have fun with this for sure
•     I already love wearing hats, and now I will wear them more frequently!
•     I may lose weight  :)
•     Naps. I Love Naps.

Cons

•     I'll likely be really sick
•     I'm going to be tired, a lot
•     I will have to have someone take me to my chemo appointments every week because I cannot take myself
•     I will temporarily lose some of my fierce independence

The Final Countdown

3 days until chemo. Yikes. It's getting close. Like very very close, yet I am not at all nervous. Excellent. I have been sleeping pretty well, and now my bestie is here with me. That immediately makes everything better regardless of what I may be feeling, thinking, wanting or not, it's all way in the back of my mind now.

I am excited to pick her up at the airport because it's just been too long since I saw her last, which was about 6 months ago, God damn Covid fucking with my life and now this cancer bullshit too. Go fuck yourselves, you bastards with your BS tactics trying to take me down. Nope. Not happening. With that being said, interestingly enough, I heard a song recently, and it is more than fitting for me and what I am going through. Unstoppable by Sia. You can listen to it here courtesy of  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3h035Eyz5A      I listen to this song, and think fuck ya! Let's do this. Anyone that knows me and knows me well will likely agree. If not, I would love to hear suggestions on a better fitting song :)

Back to where I left off. My bestie is here. Woohoo! We decide (well I decide, because she says we will do whatever I want to do), to have one last hoorah party until this shit is all over with. We go out, have some drinks and eat. We had a really good time, although it was a very long day for both of us. But we have the coming days to spend time together and do whatever we want, until my schedule dictates otherwise.

She is here for 4 days, and we really did make the best of them. The most important day being that Day One has come. Day one of chemo. How did I even fucking get here? I have to do chemo. Fuck me.

Well day one it is, Monday, March 7, 2022. My bestie and I go to my oncologists office, and I meet with him, and she is there by my side. The visit goes really well. I really like Dr. Taboada, a lot. But that was the easy part. Now off to the infusion room. I swear I would have never known what that was if it wasn't for all this shit I am going through. 

The nurse taking care of me, Shelby, is fantastic. Super sweet, patient young lady. Thankfully these genuinely caring people do exist. I may really need that. But here is my bestie, still sitting at my side :) So here are some tips, things I learned from a neighbor who is going through the same thing I am. Thank you so much Kristy! You have no idea how much easier you have made things for me by just sharing your own experience and what you are going through and have been through to this point already. 

• Numb the area where your port is to reduce the pain
• Take anti nausea candies, lollipops, tea, whatever you have, it helps
• Take your regiment of medications as prescribed and maybe then some to get ahead of the shit coming
• Function how you normally do so you have a sense of normalcy

So with those things being said, here is my experience. I used NumbMaster for my port, put it on an hour before I was due to start chemo, worked like a charm. I literally felt nothing. Nothing at all. Perfect! I took my meds that morning that I was supposed to, followed by what I was supposed to take after, along with Claritin and Tylenol. Ya, I don't have time to feel shitty. Not today! I went on with my day as usual, but that's not what this is about.

I get hooked up to my port so they can place the IV in and get moving. This is a 3 hour dose today. Damn. Glad my bestie is here by my side to hang with me. She is so supportive. The whole process goes so smooth it almost seems surreal. No pain, and not the slightest inclination of anything being out of the ordinary in my life, even after all this. I mean I am tied, but that's nothing new for me over the last several weeks. Wow. I am dumbfounded, but don't let me get too hyped up on myself. Shelby let me know next week is going to be harder. Great, just great.

Chemo, Day One with my bestie

When I Get That Feeling..............

Oh I didn't mention that every day since I had my mediport put in on February 22, 2022, I haven't felt good? It's so odd, because I have no ailments almost ever, nothing note worthy at least, and here I am with cancer. Like WTF? 

So I haven't been feeling good. I guess if you think about it there really is a war going on inside me, that started before I even knew. So with that I think maybe my body just isn't as strong, or as tough as it used to be. But that's fine, because guess what? After 10 days of just feeling blah, the day has finally come where I feel normal again. WIN! I will take it. I need all the wins I can get quite frankly.

But how long can these 'wins' last? Let's hope like the next 13-18 months or however this is all going to go on. I know it's going to be a while. But here is where my wins just stopped. I had 4 different medications prescribed, and asked for them to be sent to my local pharmacy where I have other medications dispensed. Makes sense, right? I mean who wouldn't want that as a convenience. This way I don't have to sit at wait for my meds to be filled at the oncologists office. Well I was wrong. Why? Because I need to start these medications the day prior to starting chemo, yet my pharmacy is anticipating having them come Monday night. That won't work, obviously. So much for having great plans. I am a planner by nature, yet can't seem to get this shit right. Fucking Great. That's what I need is more shit to do right now.

So now what? It's Thursday. I need to take these meds on Sunday, and the oncologists office is open Monday - Friday. Let's factor in working overnights, so I don't have many 'normal' hours under what standard business hours are. Just FML. But wait. My sister is here to help (so grateful at times like this where she is willing to jump in and help). I called the oncologists office and they filled them there. My sister picked up my meds, and now I can get back on track. Yahoo. Because I just need that right now. 

If my hair wasn't getting ready to fall out, I may very well be pulling it out right now. So much shit. Just so very much.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, right? I hope so. My week is ending, work and just the week, so what's next? My bestie coming to visit! What? Yep. That's right. She will be here to support me on the hot mess express train I am on. She really is the best. Over 30 years of friendship, and she always has my back. She wants to be here for my first chemo appointment. Thank god! I don't know what to expect, but I am glad to have her by my side. 

J & M

Let's Get a Baseline. With Every Beat of my Heart.

Another test? Why yes, of course, but this one is easy. It's Wednesday, February, shit, wait, no, it's March 1. Where the fuck did February go? Apparently I have been so busy I didn't realize we were in a new month. Shit. Maybe I can fast track this whole treatment plan the same way. That would be great.

Time for an echocardiogram. Like WTF is that? Seriously? No idea and I don't look it up. 5 days until I start my chemo treatment. 

During my appointment I find out my doctor ordered this test to get a base line for my heart. Um, why? I don't have heart cancer (I doubt that is even a thing because you would likely die way too fast), but in all that I have learned and continue to do so, it turns out that there is a possible side effect that this could effect your heart. Well Fuck Me. Let's hope I am not that one in a million in this instance.

For those of you that are curious, an echocardiogram is easy, simple and quick. They put a few leads on your chest. Then take an ultrasound of your heart from three different view points. Easy as pie. I really got lucky too, because the tech doing it was great. She was hilarious, and I enjoyed talking to her.

Now all my tests are done pre-treatment. Terrific! I am so tired of being poked and prodded and I don't even know what already. I am over it. I have a few days left until I am in uncharted, unknown territory. I am ready.

So Many Things To Do

There are so many things to do to get ready for what's coming. More than I realized. Way more. But it is what it is and here we go.........................let's see what's next. So many appointments, that's for sure.

I have found out a few things I thought were rather interesting. I cannot go to the dentist while going through chemo, nor the gastrologist, or anything else that just seems routine and simple. So guess what? Time to fast track all that shit and shove it onto my already crazy schedule. Ok. I mean, I have all day, everyday to do this shit, right? No, no I fucking don't. But I am determined to make it work.

Monday - Dentist Appointment (just for a cleaning although I had a crown come off, but can't start the work to get that fixed because I don't have enough time before chemo starts and it is not a one appointment kind of visit - Fuck Me!)

Tuesday - Eye Appointment (which I canceled last minute because I didn't sleep all night; and it was a follow up on my visit from a few weeks ago). But I can't cancel any other appointments for the day, which include my full body CT scan, then my Chemo class. It's a full day of information overload once again.

Let's talk about this CT scan. This is again one of those things that I have never done in my life, so I have no idea what to expect. I am not one to get online and research this stuff either. I am always caught by surprise when I am actually going through whatever it is. I mean, I like surprises, but I don't think to this degree I do. But it's a roll of the dice the way I see it. Either I read some bullshit on the internet that may not be at all accurate, or I just go with it and hope for the best. I chose the latter. 

Back to the CT scan. I am greeted with the tech for my scan, who is holding a rather large glass of "surprise" liquid. I have an hour to drink it and he will come back and fetch me then. It is actually not bad at all. Kind of like a watered down lemon lime Gatorade kind of flavor. Easy. I know it could be way worse. I've had previous colonoscopies. An hour goes by, and here he comes to fetch me. We get this room with this donut looking machine. Interesting. Ok. He has me lay on this gurney type thing, sticks a needle in my arm, and tells me to relax. The whole thing is about five minutes long, which by my standards, is phenomenal. Short and sweet, just perfect. We get to a point in the test where he says, "You are going to feel like you are peeing yourself, but I assure you, you are not. Just go with it.". Interesting. Um, thanks for the heads up and letting me know I won't need to worry about being embarrassed when this is over. And that quickly, I am done. Excellent. If you are curious as to the reason behind the CT scan, my doctor ordered it to make sure there was nothing else notable in my body that may be infected with cancer. I debate whether I would actually want to know or not, however, it won't be an option, because if they find something else, they are going to tell me. So now let's just wait. I am not going to think about it. I will deal with it when the time comes. That time will be next week on Monday, when I see my oncologist again.

Back to the waiting room I go, waiting for my class to start. After an hour of waiting, I get up and let them know I've been sitting here and my class time is long past due. Whoops, sorry. We fucked up and let you sit for no good reason. But within a few minutes, I am on my way to another session of information overload. It's all great information, and things I really did need to know. My questions were answered, for now, because you know new ones will come out of nowhere. So what did I learn? I am going to have to take more pills, every day, for starters. Nausea pills, pills to minimize my neuropathy, constipation or diarrea pills, B6 pills, and on and on. I don't even remember it all. During chemo, I will likely be running my hands through ice. And my feet will have cold packs. Great. I am always cold as it is, let's just add to that shit. Ugh. And food will likely taste different. I should avoid sugar. I need to stay hydrated. Really hydrated. Make sure I eat before each chemo session. Each session will last approximately one hour, except every three weeks it will be longer, and my first session will be about 2.5 hours. I won't feel a needle because they will numb the area first. I should wear a shirt that makes my port easily accessible. Ok, thanks for all that, and then some. It is helpful but holy shit!

And that's a wrap, for today, on my cancer crap. So Much Information! Stayed tuned because I am sure there is more information I will be able to share in the matter of no time on the same.

It's Sunday Funday!

Sunday Funday, otherwise know as my Saturday as I just got off work and my weekend finally begins. I look forward to this day every week. Who doesn't though? Everyone is anxious for their weekend to start.

Today is going to be an out of the ordinary Sunday for me. I have my hair appointment, finally (it was canceled when the great Texas Winter Storm II hit). I am so excited! I haven't done my hair in ages, and now, while I still have my hair, I am going to do something super fun!

I have my hair appointment at 2PM with Salima Subramanian, owner of Serenity Studio (on FB and Instagram at SerenityStudio17), in Frisco. We have chatted quite a bit and I am very eager to meet her. The fun I anticipate we are going to have together!!

I arrive and we chat for quite a bit. It is amazing to me that we could have so much in common, and as unfortunate as it is, she can relate to what I am going though. She completely gets everything I am talking about, and it's honestly great. I don't even know what I understand at this point.......hardly anything.

We get started. And the wow factor while the dye is "setting". Holy Shit! It's extreme, powerful and vibrant. Just like me. This is going to suit me just perfect. So we sit and chat more while my hair is doing it's thing. I learn so much about her, her life, her family, and I am really in awe. I love that she is so open and honest. It makes it easy to talk to her. Again, another person who I think I was destine to be aligned with. And she tells me her stories, and the reason she wanted to go through this journey with me, and honestly I am touched. People can be amazing.

It's show time. She washes and rinses my hair. I look in the mirror and think, "DAMN". There is no going back now, and I don't want to. I can't wait until it dries, I want to see what this is REALLY going to look like.

She dries it and styles it and OMG, it looks FABULOUS! I think so, and Salima agrees. It's not for everyone, just like me. Lol. She took some amazing pictures too. I'm going to rock this look while I can, and take it for all it's beauty.

So thank you again, Salima. You are awesome, and I appreciate your kindness so very much!

I like Real Boobs and I Cannot Lie

Real boobs. There's nothing like them, and I am dreading the thought of having to get "replacements". I don't want to, but I am also not at the point in my life where I want to look like a teenage boy for the rest of my time on earth either.

It's now Friday, February 25, 2022, and the DFW area here in Texas barely survived The Great Texas Winter Storm II of 2022 that happened yesterday, for all of about 12 minutes. This shut down the entire area, yet again, for the whole day. No one seems to understand that my time, more than ever, is really important right now. But since I am in this waiting period anyways, I guess it doesn't really matter. One day of Snowmageden doesn't change anything for me but having to rearrange my schedule. And that comes with a price all in itself.

I have an appointment with another plastic surgeon (omitting his name purposely) at 12PM. Not horrible, but considering I was working until 430AM, I am normally still asleep at this time. Minor inconvenience, until it wasn't. I literally sat it the waiting room for over and hour and a half before I was called in. Ugh, more fucking waiting. Why? Is your time more valuable than mine? I try to be more patient than usual in this situation given that the office was closed yesterday and the staff is trying to shuffle all the patients that missed their appointment yesterday because of the weather, and I am one of those.

After an almost 2 hour wait, I am literally in with the doctor for less than 5 minutes. 5 fucking minutes, if I was lucky. Despite the fact that he comes highly recommended, I don't think I was granted the time I needed to assess him, his abilities or anything else. This isn't a good start in my opinion. Now he does tell me that he normally sees patients after chemo because my body can change a lot between now and then. So this is unusual that I have come to see him before hand. Ok, I can live with that. I was just going through the check list of what Dr. Anglin told me to do. A plastic surgeon was one of them.

I learned nothing from this appointment except that I sat in a waiting room of what I swear was "The Real Housewives" men and women. Some very vein people. Wow. I wasn't there because I wanted to be there like some of these stuck up bitches. I was there because I needed to be. This was a reminder to embrace what you were given and don't try to change yourself. Let Barbies be plastic.

Space Invader Number One

 It's Tuesday, February 22, 2022, yes 2.22.22. Let's talk about space invaders, and I am not talking about the Atari game from the 80's, Space Invaders. I am talking about all these intrusive things that are going to start happening to my body. And today will be my first.

I have an appointment with Dr. Anglin at 11AM to be at the hospital. Why? It is not time for my double mastectomy yet. I haven't even started chemo at this point. The things I have learned over the last almost month or so is enough to make your head just want to explode. BOOM! My head exploded.

With the change in direction my treatment is taking, now with starting chemo first instead of surgery, I will have to hav a mediport surgically placed. Ewww. What? A foreign object in my body just makes my stomach turn, and I am sure I will have my fair share of that with chemo, but let's be that early bird that catches the worm. Not ideal. Not now anyways. Not in this situation.

I am at the hospital getting all checked in, nurses, techs, and honestly I don't even know who else is in and out of the room. I have enough time on my hands, and I dose off. Naps have already become one of my favorite things. But not for long because they just keeping bothering me! Here's today's fun fact: I had my first ever COVID test today. My surgeon required it, and rightfully so. I have never taken one before because I never had a reason to. Negative. Great, thanks. Let's get on with it then. At least the nurse has the magic touch.

Dr. Anglin comes in to talk to me and goes over all the details I just didn't need. Nothing against her, but honestly, there are just some things we are really better off not knowing. But now that I know, I am not keeping that to myself and I am going to share it here. I am having this 'device' as I like to call it surgically planted in my left chest. The entire thing! Skin is crawling at the thought. It will go in just under my collar bone. I shouldn't know it's there once it heals. Even better. I will be knocked out thanks to the anesthesiologist. WooHoo, another nap is in store! My favorite part this far. The surgery itself will only take about an hour, and shortly thereafter once I come to, I will be ready to go home. But oh ya, I can't drive. One of my friend's dropped me off, went to do his thing, and agreed to come back and get me. Sweet, thank you! Now I don't have to make it weird with an Uber driver, perhaps not making any sense, rambling on about who knows what. Maybe another time.

Anesthesiologist comes in and talks to me, and has a foreign accent. Keep talking, please, I love the accent. It's so mysterious and sexy. Well so much for those great thoughts because I wasn't a good listener despite the accent, because no sooner did he start the drugs in my IV, and I was out. I just couldn't wait for that nap. Goodbye doc. Nice chatting. Maybe I'll see you for my next surgery.

Next thing I know, I am awake and in recovery. Mind you, I will tell you I never left the room I was initially in. Never happened. I mean it did, but I have no recollection. I wake up, come to, and feel like nothing happened. I mean nothing. Awesome. But wait, who knows what's next because Dr. Angliin told me my chest will feel like it's badly bruised. Let's get a move on, I don't want to be here. I am released a little while later and on my way home, although I am at the complete mercy of my friend at this point. Beggars can't be choosers, and either way, it's a win. Of all the people to be at the mercy of, he is a good one.

I get home thinking I am going to sleep the rest of the day. What happens instead boggles my mind. Not only do I not lay down or rest because I feel so great, but I am awake until about 2am. Well dang. I had to take it easy and I did. I have restrictions. Ugh. I don't like those, never have. But I am feeling way better than expected and I'll take that.

I lay down for a total of 3 hours. Only 3 hours. And my sleep in very broken. I cannot get comfortable. I am a stomach sleeper, and this is not the optimal stomach sleeping type of surgery. Fuck My Life right now. I need some sleep. Not today, not happening. Of course you know there are always nap openings for later in the day. I may pencil myself in.

Much to my surprise, after laying down those few hours and resting, I still feel really good. Surprisingly good. This leaves me optimistic that perhaps my chemo treatments won't get the better side of me and I will be stronger than I thought.

It's a mystery what it'll all look like, but this is all I can see right now. I will have this on for a few days.